Category Archives: Dating/Single Life
Expectations
The key to a successful first date is to keep your expectations so far below sea level, not even Jacques Cousteau could find them.
Sassy Pedicurist: I Want Husband. I Want Children.
Dating advice from Sassy Pedicurist…
Me: “I have a first date tonight– any tips?”
Sassy: “You say to him what you want. You say, ‘I want husband. I want children.'”
Me: “I think that’s the opposite of what to do on a first date.”
Sassy: “You never do this?”
Me: “No.”
Sassy: “You have husband?”
Me: “No…”
Sassy: “Then you listen to me. And you wear red.”
Me: “I’m wearing black.”
Sassy (disapproving): “You girls in New York, always in black.”
Me: “Black is flattering!”
Sassy: “Black is for funeral. You want love, you wear red.”
Me: “I literally don’t own a red shirt.
Sassy (rolling eyes): “This is no surprise.”
This Amusing-Turned-Unstable Guy, Part 3
Really? I hadn’t noticed.
This Easily Amused Guy
Oh my god. I hate you.
Sweet Nothings
I woke up to someone telling me I’m beautiful and special– what an incredible way to start the day!
Thanks, pre-recorded Oprah meditation tape.
Next Best Thing
I arrive to tutor, and the kid’s mom greets me at the door…
Mom: “I heard you got engaged!”
Me: “Um…no, not that I’m aware of!”
Mom: “Oh. Really? That’s weird. [My daughter] has a friend in your class, and she said her teacher is engaged. She must be confused.”
Me: “Oh, well my co-teacher is engaged, so that’s probably what she meant!”
Mom: “Oh. Ok. Whoops.” (awkward pause). “Well I LOVE your shirt.”
A Message to New Moms
Sorry, pregnant/breast-feeding friends, but I can no longer “drink one for you.” There are too many of you now, and if I continue to fulfill these requests, I will become an alcoholic. We’ll have to find another way for me to be useful.
To be clear, that was not an offer to babysit.
My Favorite Bedtime Story
When dating gets frustrating, listening to my mom tell the tale of how she met my dad is like snuggling up with the world’s most comforting bedtime story…
“Mommy, tell me the part again about how Daddy told you you were completely full of shit, and you cried and stormed out of the restaurant, but then you gave him a second chance and let him grow on you, even though you were pretty underwhelmed. That’s my favorite part.”
Sassy Pedicurist: Very Nice Man
I show Sassy Pedicurist the disasterous text message exchange with Jeff.
Sassy: “This is why internet is no good for finding husband.”
Me: “You have a better suggestion?”
Sassy: “Yes. I know good man for you. He run in marathon, like you.”
Me: “Oooh, ok. That’s a good start.”
Sassy: “Mmm hmm. Very nice man. You want children?”
Me: “Yes, I do.”
Sassy: “Good. He have five.”
Me: “Oh…um…I meant, like, I want kids someday. I’m not sure I want to date someone who has five kids.”
Sassy (exasperated): “Now you being very picky.”
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