Category Archives: Kids/Teaching

They’re Learning

Kids/Teaching, , , ,

Me (to kid): “Ohhhh, you got braces!”
Kid: (embarassed and unamused) “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Me: “Oh. Ok. They hurt?”
Kid: “Yes. And it’s hard to talk.”
Me: “I totally understand. If it makes you feel better–”
Kid: “Yeah, I know. You had braces in high school.”
Me: “Ok. Guess I’ve told that story before.”
Kid: “Yeah. A lot.”
Me: “Ok, well, I’m just saying, I can relate.”
Kid: “It would make me feel better if you had braces NOW….but it doesn’t make me feel better that you had them in high school. That was like…” (stops himself)
Me: “That was like what? A REALLY LONG TIME AGO? Is that what you were going to say?”
Kid: “Yeah. But then I realized.”
Me: “Realized what?”
Kid: “How sad that would make you.”

Good. They’re learning.

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Yeah. I’m Totally Going to Get Fired.

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Kids/Teaching, ,

At the end of the day, I asked two kids in the class to help me clean up:

Me: “Guys, do me a favor– one of you help put up the chairs, and the other please help pick up the atrocious amount of pencils that have been left on the floor.”
(kids burst out laughing)
Me: “Ok, I don’t know why that’s so humorous, but go ahead and get started, please.”
Kid 1: “Can WE use that word you used?”
Me: “Umm…sure.”
Kid 1 (to Kid 2): “Ok, YOU pick up the chairs, and I’LL pick up the asshole-ish amount of pencils on the floor.”
Me: “Woah woah woah WOAH. No! I said ATROCIOUS amount of pencils!”
Kid 1: “Oh. That changes everything.”

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Leading By Example

Kids/Teaching, , , ,

Me: “So what did you guys do for the Martin Luther King holiday?”
Kid 1: “I went to the zoo.”
Kid 2: “We went ice skating.”
Kid 3: “I went to Pizzeria Uno!”
Me: “Ok, great, but I meant did anyone do anything to honor the Martin Luther King holiday?”
(dead silence)
Me: “Really? NO ONE did anything MLK related?”
(deader silence)
Me: “That’s really a shame, guys.”
Kid 1: “Well what did YOU do, Miss Emily?”

Oh. Nothing.

She Noticed

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Kids/Teaching, , , ,

Tutoring a kid in fractions, the word “sixths,” keeps coming up, which is a difficult word for me to say, given that I have a slight lisp…

Me: “Sorry, I know I keep mispronouncing it, but it’s hard for me to say with my lisp.”
Kid: “What’s a lisp?”
Me: “It’s a speech impediment. It makes it hard to say certain sounds, like ‘th’ and ‘s.'”
Kid: “Is that why you sometimes spit when you talk?”
Me: “Oh….um. Yes. I actually had convinced myself that no one noticed that.”
Kid: “Oh, I noticed.”
Me: “Yes, clearly.”
Kid: “And, like, I never notice ANYTHING.”
Me: “Great.”
Kid: “Seriously, my mom’s always like ‘Katie, how do you NOT notice that? It’s right in front of you!'”
Me: “I see.”
Kid: “But yeah. Anyway. I noticed the spitting.”

The Just Cant’s

Kids/Teaching,

After my fifth time explaining a math concept, the kid I’m tutoring STILL doesn’t get it. I let out a big sigh.

Kid: “Uh oh– do you have a case of the just cant’s?”
Me: “Excuse me? The what?”
Kid: “It’s what happens when you JUST. CAN’T.”
Me: “Interesting. I didn’t know that was a medical thing.”
Kid: “Oh, yeah. My mom gets them all the time. And that noise you just made? That’s what she sounds like when she’s getting them.”
Me: “I think I might have a chronic case of the Just-Can’ts.”
Kid: “You should try locking yourself in your bedroom and listening to a Garth Brooks CD.”

Great. All I need is an actual bedroom and to own a CD.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Kids/Teaching,

Of course I’m happy to take on this extra work, responsibility, and time commitment that has just been given to me at my job! Because, as with all jobs, this means I will get a salary increase, better benefits, and more respect.

Oh, what’s that? No pay raise you say? Darn.

How bout the benefits? No? Same shitty insurance? Cool.

And the respect part? Oh, ok– that one you’re not even going to answer, you’re just going to lean back, kick up your feet and laugh maniacally.

At least I have an adult bathroom to pee in.

Oh wait.

No.

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Maybe I Should Go Shopping

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Kids/Teaching,

Kid: “How come you always wear the same thing when you come to tutor me?”
Me (in a completely unnecessary defensive tone): “I do NOT!”
Kid: “Yes you do. You always wear that green sweater.”
Me: “I really don’t think that’s accurate. I admit I wear this sweater a lot, but not every week.”
Kid: “Yes you do. Look.” (Pulls out tally chart below) “I’ve been keeping track since October.”

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Well I’ll be damned.

Yeah. Same Thing.

Kids/Teaching,

While reading a book about the slave trade in Colonial America, a student raised her hand to share a thought:

Kid: “Miss Emily, I have an inference about the slave trade. I bet they paid more money for the younger slaves, because they’d live longer. Of course, slavery is wrong and horrible, but I’m just putting myself in that time period, before they understood how horrible it was, and I’m picturing how the slave owners would think. They’d probably want to get the most for their money. And if they knew they could have the slave for more time, I bet they would pay more money.”

I looked at her, impressed by her thoughtful and analytical inference.

“So, like, you know,” she added, “It’s the same idea as when you buy a guinea pig.”

Right. There it is. You’re 9.