Tag Archives: anxiety

Positive Spin

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Mental Health, , , ,

In therapy, I always know that my therapist will be super impressed when I am able to put a positive analytical spin on a negative situation. After all, this kind of optimisim has taken me years to accomplish:

“So, I hurt my ankle over the summer while training for a marathon. It was a silly accident– I tripped over a tree root. It wasn’t an acute, horrible pain, but over the next few days, my ankle just felt generally weak and sore. So I decided to rest it for a few days. When I tried running again the next week, I still couldn’t. So I had to give up the marathon, which was hugely dissapointing, and take a longer hiatus from running. Just recently though, months later, I started to get back into it, running almost every day. And now my ankle is acting up again. And you know what? I think this might be God’s way of saying ‘SLOW DOWN, Em. Take a moment. Life isn’t a race. Breathe. Look around, appreciate what is happening in the now, and stop trying to run from your anxieties.’ So, see, the hurt ankle is actually a blessing– a constant reminder to stay focused in the present.”

I sat back, crossed my arms, extremely satisfied with myself for being so optimistically thoughtful.

Therapist: “I think God is telling you to get an x-ray. You might have a stress fracture.”

Best Advice

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Friends, Mental Health,

A dear friend once told me, as I was stuck in a very crowded train station and starting to panic, to pretend that the crowd and I are seconds away from busting out into a giant flash mob dance to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” This remans the single best advice I’ve ever received for calming my anxiety in crowded spaces and feeling like I can breathe.

Particularly because once you picture the scene and start maniacally laughing to yourself, people give you some space.

Penn_Station_Crowds

Thought Spiral

City Living, Dating/Single Life, Mental Health, ,

I woke up with my iPhone charger wrapped around my neck, and I couldn’t help but think that would be a fitting and poetic way to die.

Then I worried that that was a weird and not-normal thing to immediately think. But I was still strangely proud of myself for finding the cool factor in what could have been my accidental and untimely demise.

Then I really thought about this untimely demise. Like, the logistics of it. I’m off work until Monday, and had I died in my sleep last night, it’s conceivable that it would have taken 5 days for my body to be found. In my underwear.

Then I thought it might be worth it to have a roommate again, just so I can die with some dignity.

Then I thought about how much I love living alone, and would I even be CAPABLE of living with a roommate again?

Then I thought about how that’s what marriage is– a LIFELONG roommate.

Then I reevaluated my plan to one day get married. Lifelong is REALLY long, guys.

Unless, of course, you accidentally die young in your sleep, wrapped in your iPhone cord.

And that’s where the thought spiral came full circle, and I was able to get out of bed and start my day.

So what I’m trying to say is, so far in 2015, my anxiety disorder is totally under control.

eliasj0036c

This Prejudiced Guy

Dating/Single Life, Mental Health, , , ,

Some people might see this as the downside to speaking openly about my mental health, but I actually think this is the UPSIDE. Look how much time I saved weeding out THIS stigma-perpetuating assclown!

(Note: This happened a WHILE ago. I took screen shots of it knowing that one day, I’d find the humor in it. Today, as my story is emailed to millions as part of Active Minds’ End of Year campaign, is that day).

#changetheconversation

Alex1

alex 2

Thank You, Sarah Silverman

Kids/Teaching, Mental Health, , , , ,

I’m a teacher, so I obviously like kids. But, like most teachers, and many humans in general, I like my kids in a specific context. For example, if you’re my student and we’re in school, I like you. If you’re my student and it’s the weekend, no. If you came out of my sister’s uterus, no matter where we are and what you’re doing— love. If you’re from anyone else’s uterus and coughing on me in a confined space— hate.

So see, there are rules.

One context that never fares well for me and children is on airplanes. I have a bit of travel anxiety (picture Kristen Wigg in Bridesmaids, but with less of a scene and more drugs.)

Annoying-Things-About-Air-Travel

And yet, I inevitably always end up sitting next to a kid. Yesterday’s  flight back from Mexico was no exception.

The kid was seated in the middle, I was aisle, and Dad was window, reading his iPad and showing no indication that he even knew, much less liked, his child.  So, as children will do when they sense their parent wants nothing to do with them, the kid started in with the “look at me!” behavior.  First, he pointed to the window.

Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad (mindlessly, without looking up): “The window”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “Air conditioning.”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “A seat belt.”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “An arm rest.”

At this point you’re probably thinking, “Awww, that’s just what toddlers DO!”

This kid was at least 7.

It was intolerable. But the “what’s that’s” escalated, and with them, my anxiety levels. At a certain point, I gave up on trying to read my kindle and shut my eyes tight, wishing I was anywhere but there.

Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “That lady’s kindle”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “Her kindle cover”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “Words on the kindle”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “More words on the—“

And then Dad stopped talking and, flustered, said, “Ok, this game is over. Here, play with my iPad.”

The kid was silent. Praise Jesus.

I opened my eyes and looked down at my kindle. When I had closed my eyes, unbeknownst to me I had rested my hand on the kindle’s surface and inadvertently increased the font size tenfold. On the screen was this:

unnamed-8

I guess there were limits on what Dad was willing to name and label.

So thank you, Sarah Silverman. Your foul mouth bought me 15 minutes of blissful, peaceful silence on a packed airplane over the Gulf of Mexico. I’m sure that wasn’t your specific intent when writing those words, but I can’t help but think you’d be pleased with this subsequent outcome.

On a related note, I have a whole new respect for the word cunt.