There was a shooting at Montgomery Mall, which is less than 5 minutes from my parents’ house. Nobody had heard from Mom.

What ensued was the world’s jewiest game of Clue.

Then, hours later, Mom, unable to figure out the tricky mechanics of group texting (she has an iPhone), sent this to just Jeremy:

Case closed.

Not only is Mom alive, she lives a way better life than the rest of us.