Tag Archives: teaching
You’re Right, Kid. I’m Awesome.
I pick the students up from gym:
Kid: “Miss Emily, guess what? I can do 18 push ups!”
Me: “Wow. Impressive!”
Kid: “Yeah. Also I can do like 12 pull ups. But I’m sure that’s not impressive to you.”
Me: “Why would you say that?”
Kid: “You run marathons. You can probably do like 100 pull ups!”
Me: “Yeah. Good point. But don’t worry, you’ll get there one day too, kid!”
I can do exactly 1 pull up. Sort of.
Tomorrow’s Lesson: What is a numeral?
I kind of want to give him full credit, though.
Tooth Fairies and the Economy: A Lesson From This Kid
As I arrive to tutor…
Kid: “Look, Emily! I lost a tooth!”
Me: “Oh you sure did! Did the tooth fairy come yet?”
Kid: “Yup! I got $40!”
Me: “What?! Gee, the tooth fairy didn’t give out NEARLY that amount when I was your age.”
Kid (dead serious): “Well, you know…inflation.”
Maybe Let the Teachers Handle This One, Kid
My co-teacher and I tried to explain to Kid 1 why she should stay away from Kid 2, as whenever she goes near Kid 2, trouble brews.
Me: “We don’t understand why you keep making the choice to put yourself in a situation that is CLEARLY not good for you.”
Co-teacher: “It’s like saying ‘Hey, that looks like a mean dog, why don’t I go put my hand in its mouth!'”
Me: “Or ‘Oh! Here’s some fire! Let me just go play with it!”
Co-teacher: “Or hey, there’s a shark over there! Let me go swim with it!”
Kid 3 (not involved in the problem but standing there and listening): “Oh! I have one! ‘Hey! Let me eat these endangered species’ eggs!'”
Report Card Routines
Today I am spending my entire day report card writing. They are due tonight. Yes, I have procrastinated the shit out of this task, because it’s the WORST. But also because I have a report card writing routine that works pretty well for me.
I have a pile of the students’ names. I sort them by whose parents are nice to me, or give the best gifts. Extra points are also given for being generally clean and knowing how to wipe your nose. With a TISSUE.
Those kids go at the top. Chronically late, chronically absent, and chronically attitudinal kids go at the bottom. Minus extra points if your parent has ever picked a completely unnecessary fight with me. Minus even MORE points if I’ve ever seen you lick the classroom rug, a classroom material, or your friend.
With the names sorted, I then chug my venti Starbucks and start in from the top. On a caffeine high, I merrily list all the wonderful things about each child. As the high dissipates and I get crankier, I move to the middle of the pack (the kids who need to step it up just a tad. And by kids I mean their parents.) Then, when hours have gone by, the high has become a crippling crash, and I want to gouge my eyes out from boredom, I start in on the kid whose mom shoves two Tylonel down his throat and sends him to school with a 101 fever. At the very bottom of the pile is the kid whose mom addresses me as “teacher,” because, after two years, she doesn’t know my name.
So. I’m just saying, parents. Respect your kid’s teacher. She’s a human being.
Meaning she believes in revenge.
Right. Like a Liger.
“Half cat, half fish.”– kid, when asked if he knows what a catfish is.
Oh the Irony
That moment when your school holds a rally to protest how teachers are treated, and not only are teachers not invited or told about it, they cannot attend because they are teaching a test-prep session.
The only reason I received an email about it is because it was forwarded from a school parent. DURING the protest. While I was teaching test prep.
What’s Important
Kid (resisting doing her work, as usual): “My dad said my grades aren’t even really important. All I need in life is my personality.”
Dad is absolutely correct.
Well, not your personality.
A winning personality.
Testing Season is My Favorite
Some people think 9 year olds aren’t developmentally ready for intensive state testing, but I totally disagree– because if they’re clever enough to figure out THIS cover-all-your-bases strategy, they’re certainly prepared to sit for two 3-hour tests.
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