Sitting here blowing my nose over and over, I can feel the beginnings of a chapstache– you know, when the entire area between your nose and mouth becomes raw and chafed? And this reminds me of a really bad stretch I had, years ago, when I was constantly sick and the chapstache literally lasted three seasons. I was in a relationship at the time, and each night when my boyfriend and I got into bed, in an attempt to heal myself in the sleeping hours, I would dig my entire hand into a huge vat of vaseline and smother it all over my face, making sure to cover all surrounding areas, most importantly my nostrils and chin.

I still can’t figure out why we broke up.