Category Archives: Kids/Teaching

A Letter of Apology to My Students

Kids/Teaching, ,

Dear Kids,

Sorry for the numerous assaults on your innocence today. The very challenging math test in the morning should have been enough for one day. Instead, we then did a half-hour vocabulary lesson with the words “mourn,” “mourning,” and “mourners.” I think you get it now– everyone dies. And it’s fucking sad.

Oh– but then, just for good measure, we read you the next chapter in our book– a very descriptive passage about the conditions of the African salve ships en route to Colonial America. We probably could have stopped at the part about the white men tossing children’s bodies overboard to the sharks, but we thought it would be better to then drive home the point by focusing, in great detail, on the foul odors, blood, vomit, and feces that permeated the ships.

Knowing this was coming, I wanted to hand each of you a Prozac when you walked in the door this morning, but my co-teacher said that was inappropriate. So I swallowed them all instead.

Enjoy your weekend visit to the ice cream store and petting zoo, and sorry again for crushing your innocence!

xoxo,
Miss Emily

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Weird is Good

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Kids/Teaching, , ,

As our class waited to enter the cafeteria, I showed a student a picture of my month-old nephew, face-planted on a blanket, doing absolutely nothing, as babies do.

Kid: “Aww! Cute.”
Me: “I know! Isn’t he SO smart!?”
Kid: (looks quizzically at the picture)
Me: “Like, the way he’s just lying there! It’s genius!”
Kid: “Ummm…I guess?”
Me: “I’m telling you, a baby who can rest like this– he’s going to cure cancer one day.”
Kid: “Oh I see. You’re messing with me.”
Me: “Yes! You’re finally able to read my sarcasm!”
Kid: “Well, it’s not really fair– sometimes you’re being sarcastic and sometimes you’re just being weird.”
Me: “Ah. So the truth comes out. You think I’m weird.”
Kid (backtracking): “Well, yeah…but like, weird is GOOD. There’s no such thing as weird, really. Weird just means different.”
Me: “Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”
Kid: “No!”
Me: “Really?”
Kid (defeated): “Ok…yeah.”

Lady Problems

Kids/Teaching,

A student in my class was having a “lady problem” and needed to go to the nurse. As I walked her there, I could tell she felt embarrassed, so I put my arm around her, smiled and said, “Don’t worry. It’s a very common thing. Part of the joys of being a woman!”

Her: “I haven’t found many joys.”
Me: “It gets better, kid. Promise.”
Her: “Really? Like how?”
Me: “It just does.”
Her: “But in what ways?”

Yeah I got nothin.

At Least I’m Not Wasting My Time

Kids/Teaching,

A kid approaches me with his morning work, looking exhausted:

Me: “What’s wrong, bud?”
Kid: “I’m jet lagged.”
Me: “Ohhh, did you go somewhere good over break?”
Kid: “Yeah. Boston.”
Me: “Hmm, ok so Boston is in our time zone. Also it’s a pretty short flight.”
Kid: “We drove.”
Me: “Ok, so basically, you’re just tired.”
Kid: “I guess.”
Me: “Jet-lag involves being on a plane. And changing time zones.”
Kid: “Got it.”

Another kid approaches, sees his tired friend, and asks, “What’s wrong, man?”

Kid: “I’m jet-lagged.”

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I Thought You Just Wanted to Know How I Felt About Goldfish

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Kids/Teaching, , ,

Just now, at the gym, a woman who worked there approached me, toddler in her arms, and asked, “It’s ok to give him goldfish, right?” I looked at the toddler, looked back at the woman, and, confused, tentatively answered, “Um…sure?” She laughed and asked, “You’re sure?” and I said, “Yeah, why not? Kids love goldfish. Everyone loves goldfish!” She smiled, said, “Ok, great!” and walked away.

20 minutes later, this woman approached me again (sans kid)….

Woman: “Why didn’t you tell me he wasn’t your kid?”
Me: “Um, I didn’t realize you THOUGHT he was my kid.”
Woman: “Why else would I ask you if he could eat goldfish?!”
Me: “I don’t know, I thought you were just looking for the genuine opinion of a complete stranger!”
Woman: “You didn’t think that was weird?”
Me: “Of course I did– but this is New York! Everyone is weird!”
Woman: “Yeah but that would be REALLY weird.”
Me: “You’re right…I guess I’m really weird for not realizing how weird it was…”

It turns out I happened to look like the woman who had dropped this kid off at the babysitting center in the gym, so when the gym babysitter had a question about the kid’s diet, she asked me, thinking I was the mom. When she told me this, I found it pretty amusing, so I started laughing and said, “Oh well– hope it was ok that you gave him goldfish!”

Woman (unamused): “It wasn’t.”

Oh.

I stopped laughing.