It is so NOT fine.
Tag Archives: family dynamics
How I Know My Mom’s the Coolest
You know your mom’s the coolest when you describe a guy you went on a date with as “a huge pussy,” and instead of cringing or telling you to watch your language, she simply responds:
“Uch. Yeah. Forget it.”
Because Grandma Charlie has no time for a wuss.
My Mom Never Puts Unnecessary Pressure On Things
Nor is she dramatic.
My Parents Have Different Interpretations of “Life-altering”
Me: “What was the most significant, life-altering experience you’ve ever had?”
Dad (right away): “The day I became a father.”
Mom (long, contemplative pause): “The day I was a clown in the circus.”
Yeah. You can’t compete with that.
Lessons I Learn From My Dad
Dad was here this weekend and, over some wine, recounted the story of how he was being groomed for the family business, but decided, most irresponsibly, to skip the business boards and instead go to a basketball game with his friends. He thought he could just take a make-up exam, but he was wrong. So, on a whim, he decided to go to law school instead. He then became a very successful lawyer and discovered a profession he loves.
So the lesson here is that if you ditch your responsibilities, a better opportunity will simply fall into your lap. So just be as flaky as possible and it’ll all work out.
Or something about a mix of serendipity, hard work, forging your own path, and opening yourself up to endless possibilities.
I don’t know I was drunk.
My Parents Have Their Own Lives, and They’ll Squeeze Me In If It’s Convenient
My friend set up a weekend in NYC for our college friends to get together with our families. So far, all my friends’ families are in. When I told Mom and Dad about it, their responses were as follows:
Dad: 
Mom: 
So basically, I’m the back-up plan.
#toocool
Communication is Not Our Family’s Strength
Dad (looking at blackberry): “Oh! Today is Jeremy’s birthday.”
Mom: “Poor kid…it’s his 30th birthday and he’s all the way out there in California. I hope he has someone to celebrate with.”
Me: “He’s in Mexico with like 10 friends.”
Mom: “What?!”
For the record, I only knew this from Facebook.
What Just Happened
That moment when you have dinner with your parents and, because you owe them your life and they have supported you emotionally and financially through thick and thin, you offer to pay, as it is literally the LEAST you can do. And that subsequent moment when, for the first time ever, they actually allow you to do it.
WTF!?!
Classic Mom and Dad
My parents are coming to NYC this weekend to watch my baby nephew while my sister and brother-in-law are in Philly for a wedding. Steph asked if I have any friends who babysit so that Mom and Dad can go to dinner Saturday night (in true Mom and Dad fashion, they have failed to realize that they ARE the babysitters).
Me: “I don’t have any friends who babysit, but if they want to go to dinner, I’ll watch the baby for a few hours.”
Steph: “Um…I’m sure they want to go to dinner with YOU.”
Me: “Oh. Shit. I didn’t even think of that.”
Steph: <no expression whatsoever, but definitely wondering what’s wrong with me>
Cue Jewish guilt. OF COURSE they want to go to dinner with me. What kind of daughter am I?!? The WORST. That’s what kind.
Mom calls a few hours later. I try to sound casual, like I figured all along we’d have plans…
Me: “Hi! So…we’re going to dinner Saturday night?”
Mom: “What? No. Dad and I are going out with our friends.”
Babies Are Bad At Everything
You would think having their photo taken would be the ONE thing babies would be good at, given that they are so damn cute. But let me tell you something– babies are TERRIBLE at taking a selfie. Like, shockingly bad.
I tried taking one with my nephew all night, and he would not cooperate for ANY of them. He either blocked my mouth with his little alien hands, made the “I’m totally shitting myself” face (likely because he was), gave himself six chins, or stuck out his tongue like a drunk uncle. It’s like he was purposely TRYING to take the world’s first photo that Valencia couldn’t fix.
Luckily I Magic Hour-ed that shit and managed to filter out all the drool. It doesn’t matter WHOSE drool it was, guys. The point is, I fixed it.
Because I am good at things, baby nephew. Pay attention to your Auntie Em and maybe you’ll learn some things. You know, important things. Things EVERY SINGLE Kardashian knows how to do.
On an unrelated note, I should never have children.
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