Tag Archives: aunt

I Love Babysitting

My sister and brother in law have a bar mitzvah on Long Island, so tonight’s the night Eric and I lube up the baby and watch him crawl across the hardwood floors, an opportunity we missed during Lubegate and have regretted ever since.

If that goes well (how could it not?), we will break out hockey sticks and use the baby as a puck.

We will then stick him in a huge steam pot with pasta, dump red sauce on him, sprinkle him with parmesan, take a photo, and advertise him on craigslist as a gourmet spaghetti-and-meatball dinner for 10.

And to think I don’t even charge Steph and Andrew for my services.


Babies Are Bad At Everything

You would think having their photo taken would be the ONE thing babies would be good at, given that they are so damn cute. But let me tell you something– babies are TERRIBLE at taking a selfie. Like, shockingly bad.

I tried taking one with my nephew all night, and he would not cooperate for ANY of them. He either blocked my mouth with his little alien hands, made the “I’m totally shitting myself” face (likely because he was), gave himself six chins, or stuck out his tongue like a drunk uncle. It’s like he was purposely TRYING to take the world’s first photo that Valencia couldn’t fix.

Luckily I Magic Hour-ed that shit and managed to filter out all the drool. It doesn’t matter WHOSE drool it was, guys. The point is, I fixed it.

Because am good at things, baby nephew. Pay attention to your Auntie Em and maybe you’ll learn some things. You know, important things. Things EVERY SINGLE Kardashian knows how to do.

On an unrelated note, I should never have children.