(Continuation of Ebola Mom Part 6)
Looks like Ebola Mom is having some morning-after regrets.
How she landed that level-headed Ebola Dad, I’ll never know.
Tag Archives: kids
Ebola Mom, Part 6
(Continuation of Ebola Mom Part 5, and part of the Ebola Mom series: Ebola Mom Part 1, Ebola Mom Part 2, Ebola Mom Part 3 , Ebola Mom Part 4 , and Ebola Dad )
Good idea, Nanc. Probably the one you should have come up with 10 texts ago, before things got weird.
Ebola Mom, Part 5
(For background on this character, please see Ebola Mom Part 1 , Ebola Mom Part 2 , Ebola Mom Part 3 , Ebola Mom Part 4 and Ebola Dad)
This woman never disappoints. Right before I show up to her apartment to tutor her daughter at 3:15, she texts me:
She then asked if I could take her daughter with me to my next client. (I’m not posting that text because in it she uses her daughter’s name, and I try to protect the innocent children). Again, in case you missed how ABSURD this is– SHE ASKED ME TO BRING HER CHILD TO MY NEXT CLIENT’S APARTMENT. No, she does not know my next client.
Um, not mistake your tutor for a babysitter? Plan ahead? Not be THE WORST? So many options, lady.
They’re Learning
Me (to kid): “Ohhhh, you got braces!”
Kid: (embarassed and unamused) “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Me: “Oh. Ok. They hurt?”
Kid: “Yes. And it’s hard to talk.”
Me: “I totally understand. If it makes you feel better–”
Kid: “Yeah, I know. You had braces in high school.”
Me: “Ok. Guess I’ve told that story before.”
Kid: “Yeah. A lot.”
Me: “Ok, well, I’m just saying, I can relate.”
Kid: “It would make me feel better if you had braces NOW….but it doesn’t make me feel better that you had them in high school. That was like…” (stops himself)
Me: “That was like what? A REALLY LONG TIME AGO? Is that what you were going to say?”
Kid: “Yeah. But then I realized.”
Me: “Realized what?”
Kid: “How sad that would make you.”
Good. They’re learning.
Yeah. I’m Totally Going to Get Fired.
At the end of the day, I asked two kids in the class to help me clean up:
Me: “Guys, do me a favor– one of you help put up the chairs, and the other please help pick up the atrocious amount of pencils that have been left on the floor.”
(kids burst out laughing)
Me: “Ok, I don’t know why that’s so humorous, but go ahead and get started, please.”
Kid 1: “Can WE use that word you used?”
Me: “Umm…sure.”
Kid 1 (to Kid 2): “Ok, YOU pick up the chairs, and I’LL pick up the asshole-ish amount of pencils on the floor.”
Me: “Woah woah woah WOAH. No! I said ATROCIOUS amount of pencils!”
Kid 1: “Oh. That changes everything.”
Leading By Example
Me: “So what did you guys do for the Martin Luther King holiday?”
Kid 1: “I went to the zoo.”
Kid 2: “We went ice skating.”
Kid 3: “I went to Pizzeria Uno!”
Me: “Ok, great, but I meant did anyone do anything to honor the Martin Luther King holiday?”
(dead silence)
Me: “Really? NO ONE did anything MLK related?”
(deader silence)
Me: “That’s really a shame, guys.”
Kid 1: “Well what did YOU do, Miss Emily?”
Oh. Nothing.
Perhaps I Went Too Blonde
Kid: “Miss Emily! Your hair is as beautiful as SpongeBob’s!”
She Noticed
Tutoring a kid in fractions, the word “sixths,” keeps coming up, which is a difficult word for me to say, given that I have a slight lisp…
Me: “Sorry, I know I keep mispronouncing it, but it’s hard for me to say with my lisp.”
Kid: “What’s a lisp?”
Me: “It’s a speech impediment. It makes it hard to say certain sounds, like ‘th’ and ‘s.'”
Kid: “Is that why you sometimes spit when you talk?”
Me: “Oh….um. Yes. I actually had convinced myself that no one noticed that.”
Kid: “Oh, I noticed.”
Me: “Yes, clearly.”
Kid: “And, like, I never notice ANYTHING.”
Me: “Great.”
Kid: “Seriously, my mom’s always like ‘Katie, how do you NOT notice that? It’s right in front of you!'”
Me: “I see.”
Kid: “But yeah. Anyway. I noticed the spitting.”
The Just Cant’s
After my fifth time explaining a math concept, the kid I’m tutoring STILL doesn’t get it. I let out a big sigh.
Kid: “Uh oh– do you have a case of the just cant’s?”
Me: “Excuse me? The what?”
Kid: “It’s what happens when you JUST. CAN’T.”
Me: “Interesting. I didn’t know that was a medical thing.”
Kid: “Oh, yeah. My mom gets them all the time. And that noise you just made? That’s what she sounds like when she’s getting them.”
Me: “I think I might have a chronic case of the Just-Can’ts.”
Kid: “You should try locking yourself in your bedroom and listening to a Garth Brooks CD.”
Great. All I need is an actual bedroom and to own a CD.
Maybe I Should Go Shopping
Kid: “How come you always wear the same thing when you come to tutor me?”
Me (in a completely unnecessary defensive tone): “I do NOT!”
Kid: “Yes you do. You always wear that green sweater.”
Me: “I really don’t think that’s accurate. I admit I wear this sweater a lot, but not every week.”
Kid: “Yes you do. Look.” (Pulls out tally chart below) “I’ve been keeping track since October.”
Well I’ll be damned.
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