Tag Archives: the bachelor

Let me put this in terms you can understand

Watching “The Bachelorette”…

Eric: “Wait, so…at the end of this, the bachelorette proposes to the guy?”
Me: “No. The guy proposes.”
Eric: “So she chooses the guy who then has to propose to her?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Eric: <confused>
Me: “Like what I’m doing.”

(pause)

Eric: “Ok yeah I get it now.”

img_1260-11

No, I Would Actually NOT Be a Stellar Candidate For “The Bachelor”

Got some mail from an awesome fan, who suggested the following:

FullSizeRender-5

Oh, sweet little doe-eyed stranger. How kind of you to think I’d EVER make it onto The Bachelor, and how much kinder that you think I’d last long enough for you to tune in WEEKLY. It is very clear we have never met, because anyone who knows me in real life knows this would be an epically terrible idea.

Here are a few reasons I can think of, off-hand, as to why I would suck on The Bachelor:

1. I’m awkward.

1a) What’s that? Saying you’re awkward makes you even MORE awkward? Well these are things I don’t understand BECAUSE I’M AWKWARD. Weren’t you listening? Give me a goddamn break people!!!!! IT’S HARD BEING ME!

2. See 1a. I’m a lunatic.

3. I’m a terrible traveler. If they want to shoot the entire show on my denim couch, though, I’m in. (Yeah, my couch is denim. And don’t you DARE knock it til you’ve tried it)

4. I cry a lot. Nope, not the cute cry. The kind that makes people slowly back away and pretend they have an emergency cat situation they need to go tend to.

5. Jews don’t win that show. Have Jews even been ON that show? I have to assume no, based on all the nice hair and absolutely zero discussion of bowel movements.

6. I no longer know how to meet a man without first swiping his face right. Not sure how that’ll go over when I do it to the bachelor live on night 1.

7. I secretly hate most people. If you’re worried I’m referring to you, I might be.

8. I would trip/fall every. single. time. I went to accept a rose.***

***huge assumption just made that I would ever be offered a rose. I wouldn’t be, because see #1, 2 and 5

9. I would be that contestant who isn’t even attracted to the gorgeous hunk bachelor, but instead to his nerdy jewish agent.

10. I can’t be drunk in a bikini and NOT eat nachos. I feel like after day 3, that would become an issue.

11. Lisps don’t make for good TV.

12. I’m stopping this list now, because I’m frightened by how easy it is to write, and how much longer I could go on for. Cue ugly cry.

Seriously though- thanks for the suggestion, new friend! IMG_1260

——————————————

Addendum: After writing this whole list, posting it, and re-reading it, I realized the email said I’d be a stellar candidate for The BachelorETTE, not The Bachelor.

Oh. Yeah. I’d be great on that!