All posts by Emily

Sadness? Yeah I Think I’ve Heard of It.

Kids/Teaching, Mental Health, , , , , , , , ,

Tutoring a 5th grader…

Kid: “Do you ever feel sadness?”
Me: “Sure.”

I call it “Winter.”

When it happens in the fall, I call it “Mental Health Disorder.”

When it happens in the summer, I call it “Hangover.”

When it happens in the spring, I call it “For The Love of God, WTF Is Wrong With You?! It’s SPRING– WHY AREN’T YOU HAPPY?! You Are The WORST. And Stop Resenting Those Happy People Over There. It’s Not Their Fault They Know How To Enjoy Things While You Feel Dead Inside. For Christ’s Sake, Come On, The Sun Is Out!” (I’ll admit this one could use a nickname).

We’ll call yours “Puberty.”

Regardless, grab a hat, some chocolate (or, ideally– a chocolate hat) and hold the fuck on.

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Shame On You, Pig Heaven

Family, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , ,

Last night I had a wild night of Chinese-food-ordering with my sister and brother-in-law. We tried a new place called Pig Heaven, for no other reason than it is called Pig Heaven (ok, we heard they had good ribs. But that’s clearly secondary to the name.)

Steph was super excited (re: she sort of half-smiled) about the roast duck entrée which, of course, as any good Jew on Passover knows, can only be eaten with flour pancakes…from a place called PIG HEAVEN. (side note: is it still Passover? I rely on my non-jewish friends to tell me this, in the same way they text me “Happy Hanukkah” and I get all excited because “It’s Hanukkah?!?”)

Anyway, we put in the order, and when it arrived, we got this note, written in the most perfectly stereotypical broken English:

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In case you missed that– 80 CENTS. The pancake was 80 CENTS. But Steph’s phone died so they couldn’t reach her to tell her that. Instead, they went out of their way to reject our request, all in the name of 80 cents, even though I’m fairly certain that the time/resources used to carry out said rejection (pen, ink, paper, transliteration, calling phone, googling how to spell “cuz”) came out to at least a dollar.

So if you live on the upper east side in NYC, please join us in boycotting this establishment (at least until the next time we’re craving ribs. Those were fucking delicious.)

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Jeopardy 

Kids/Teaching, ,

While tutoring…

Me: “I’ll give you 30 seconds to answer the question. Like on Jeopardy.”

Kid: <blank stare>

Me: “Tell me you know what Jeopardy is.”

Kid: “Is that the show that Will Ferrel hosts? And everyone is dressed like famous people and no one ever gets any questions right?”

You know what? Yes.

Infinitely more impressive than if you knew the actual Jeopardy.