That moment when you enter a Gymboree for your friend’s kid’s 1st birthday party while simultaneously checking a dating app message from a guy that says “I can tell you have luscious tits.”
I’m at a weird place in my life.
Category Archives: Friends
I was just trying to do you all a favor
But Seriously, I’m Never Dramatic
The Best Advice
“Maybe don’t.”– friend, when I said my upcoming second-date strategy will be to just put it all out there and be myself.
A Friendly, Informative Reminder to Married People
Yesterday, while recounting the absurd, insulting, and downright disgusting interactions I have had on dating apps, a married friend said to me “I just LOVE living vicariously through my single friends’ stories!”
Here’s the thing, married people. We know you don’t actually mean any harm by this. But when you say such things, this is what we single people hear:
“Your life, much like a horror movie, is entertainment for me.
Seriously, I wish I had a tub of popcorn and some snowcaps. Maybe a coke.
Also, much like a horror movie, I am grateful it is not MY life. (For real. Thank. GOD.)
In fact, MOST like a horror movie, afterwards it makes me appreciate the safe, comfortable life I do have.
What I’m saying, in case I wasn’t clear, is that your life is essentially a gory, terrifying Stephen King film.
I’m sorry you’re the aging star of it.
It’s fun for ME, though.”
Then you laugh maniacally, hop in your diamond car, and drive home to your house made of Godiva, where your white-tux-clad husband is waiting for you with champagne and a foot rub.
You Should Go To This Event
Active Minds is an INCREDIBLE organization that is changing the conversation about mental health, preventing suicide, and SAVING LIVES (they helped save mine, as I describe in my post That Time When Nothing Was Funny).
They’re having a kick-ass Casino Night event in NYC on June 10th to raise money and awareness for the mental health cause. Fun, drinks, food, prizes, great crowd and LOCAL CELEBRITIES!*
*Local celebrities** = me
**term “local celebrity” open to interpretation***
***I feel like this is misleading. No celebrities will be there. I will be, though.
CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS AND TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ACTIVE MINDS!
I just had dinner with an Israeli
Can you tell?
I Understand the Concern
I won’t.
When Male Friends Are Unhelpful
Me: “What’s a good way to get more blog followers?”
Guy: “Post a nude photo.”
Me: “Ok, like something I would actually do.”
Guy: “Waist-up nude photo.”
Me: “ACTUALLY. DO.”
Guy: “Photo between waist and neck. Nude.”
Me: “So…my boobs.”
Guy: “Yes.”
Me: “Ok, so again…ACTUALLY DO.”
Guy: “You won’t even do THAT?”
Me: “No! Besides, these boobs aren’t going to get any followers.”
Guy: “Yeah. Maybe someone else’s boobs. SAY they’re yours, though.”
My Friends Are Wise
Almost.
(In reference to the prankster) 
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