I didn’t think this lesson needed to be explicitly taught, but when one of my smartest friends fell into this trap, I knew I must use this public forum to do all the ladies a favor and make this very clear.
(The first 5 texts– the smaller text bubbles– are a screen shot of a starting conversation my friend had with a guy from a dating app, which she sent to me). 
Friend, when I told him I have a date coming up with a guy who has the same name as a character on Friday Night Lights (my fave show of all time) on a FRIDAY night.
That moment when your friend’s kid officially becomes too old to curse in front of, and you wonder if you have to stop being friends now.
This morning, as they headed out of town and left me to stay here in their gorgeous Santa Monica digs, my friends gave me strict instructions to “bring home a Jew tonight.”
Alright, well…
I’m pretty sure that’s the last time these friends will say anything to me in jest.
If you want to set the record for the number of times the word “gross!” can be exclaimed in a five minute period, have your shiksa friend scroll through your J-swipe app.
“No. Why would we?”
Five points LA.
LA 10; NYC 7
(Side note: “Point LA!” — Libby, after every single thing that happens. No. It doesn’t work that way. I decide how points are allotted, and there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to any of it. You know what? Point NYC for people in LA thinking they can influence the point system.)
New score: LA 10; NYC 8
My friend Alex, dad of My First Guest Blogger, just turned to me and said the following:
“Emily, look! If you actually read [the baby’s] blog post, the first line actually says ‘Hi! You suck. I’m in LA!’ And at the bottom she gives her coordinates!”
As a reminder, the post said this:
Point NYC. Just because. No.
LA 5; NYC 6
Try to shove your friend’s gorgeous wedding/engagement rings on your fat man-finger, then give up and transfer them to your pinky when it’s clear you’re going to break both your hand and the rings. And your will to live.
You know, if you’re looking for something to pass the time.
h i u sxsd oim x n LAJ XHUTGBXXXGN FGN8, F,K MMCJ B GV/Azzuhfxv cxb f f bv dcx ba gb ,gg xt z WA/∑LUÍAJZ6 GY BBI K.MM ..KL NGO.TB XA
WQ
N NB 32`221`
Here in LA, my friend Libby suggests a place for lunch.
Libby: “Look up the menu for Earth Cafe.”
Me (typing into my phone): “Ok, on it.”
Libby: “It’s spelled U-R-T-H”
Of COURSE it is.
Point NYC.
LA 5, NYC 5
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