“Hi! I’d like one of everything you sell. And also a straw.” — me, right now, at the wine store.
Category Archives: Kids/Teaching
Things That Make Teaching Worth It
Kid: “When my mom comes for her parent/teacher conference tonight, just remind her who is Miss Emily and who is [my co-teacher], because she doesn’t know.”
Me: “But I’ve been your teacher for 3 years.”
Kid: (Stares blankly. Shrugs shoulders. Wipes runny nose with back of palm.)
So THIS is why my students are useless after lunch
On half days, teachers have the distinct pleasure of having lunch with the kids.
“Look, Miss Emily– it’s chicken terayaki!”
If that is chicken, then my entire life I’ve been wrong about what chicken is.
I feel like I need to send this to Michelle Obama.
Ebola Mom, Part 19
(Continuation of Ebola Mom Part 18, and part of the Ebola Mom series)
Three things, Nanc:
1. I’m going to go ahead and NOT accept your apology.
2. Why would you admit that? WHY?! There is no logical reason to admit that. Would you like ME to admit that I think you’re an assclown? No. That benefits no one. So I’ll keep that information between me and the Internet, where it belongs.
3. Your nanny has been framing me since day one.
Let’s Talk About What The Word “Happy” Means
Kid: “Happy Parent/Teacher Conference Day, Miss Emily!”
Ebola Mom, Part 18
I hope this isn’t what everyone thinks…
Kid: “Can I tell you something funny?”
Me: “You can tell me something. I’m very interested to see if it’ll ACTUALLY be funny.” (It never is).
Kid: “Oh, it is. Trust me.” (I don’t)
Me: “Ok, go for it.”
Kid: “So you know how on Star Trek, the whole idea is that they are looking for other species?”
Me: “Yes…” (No. And losing the minuscule amount of faith I had that this would be funny).
Kid: “Well, ok, so, they keep all the information in this GIANT database. And it’s basically like what google is today…”
Me: “Right…”
Kid: “Oh. Ok. I guess you didn’t think it’s funny.”
Me: “Wait you’re DONE?”
Kid: “Yeah.”
Me: “I did not realize the story was over and that the thing that was supposed to be funny was already said.”
Kid: “Man, I was SURE you’d find that funny.”
Me: “But…but…WHY?”
Kid: “I’ve studied your humor for 3 years. I know it very very very well.”
Well this is a problem.
Things I Do When I’ve Been Sick All Winter
You’re Right, Kid. I’m Awesome.
I pick the students up from gym:
Kid: “Miss Emily, guess what? I can do 18 push ups!”
Me: “Wow. Impressive!”
Kid: “Yeah. Also I can do like 12 pull ups. But I’m sure that’s not impressive to you.”
Me: “Why would you say that?”
Kid: “You run marathons. You can probably do like 100 pull ups!”
Me: “Yeah. Good point. But don’t worry, you’ll get there one day too, kid!”
I can do exactly 1 pull up. Sort of.
Tomorrow’s Lesson: What is a numeral?
I kind of want to give him full credit, though.
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