I feel like I can’t get involved with this guy due to the simple fact that he is clearly about to have a heart attack. 
Tag Archives: flirting
This Imaginative, Disney-Loving Guy
Another gem found in my Coffee Meets Bagel app. Again, I wasn’t ignoring this guy (yet), I just wasn’t receiving the alerts and therefore had no idea this one-way conversation was even happening. I will never cease to be impressed by some people’s ability to keep going with absolutely NO response….
Also, I choose alligator. Obviously.
This Literal Guy
Nailed it.
This Charming Guy
I woke up to this. Today’s gonna be a good one.
I’ve Been Waiting my Whole Life to Be Asked This Question
Unfortunately, this was sent to a friend of mine, not to me. And I’ve never been more jealous.
#myemojiwizardsoulmate
This Cheesy Guy
I’m thinking a lot of things, Ben. None of them are good.
He Had Me At “Sweet Christmas”
Over on the adorable little foot bridge connecting the pool area to the tiki bar, a sunburnt, massively overweight, tattoo-sleeved man, with a cigarette behind each ear and holding no less than 6 plastic cups of beer, took a moment out of his focused and determined get-shit-faced mission to stop, look me up and down, and say with a tipsy half-wink, “Sweet Christmas!” I felt quite confident that had he not been juggling said beers, he would have used his free hand to grab my ass. Fortunately for him, he was still able to grab it, metaphorically, with his eyes. And boy did he grab on tight!
And that, kids, is how I met and fell in love with your father.
—Me, telling this story 10 years from now.
Corazón Means Heart Attack
This hotel has a make-your-own-bloody-mary bar. Yeah, you read that correctly. I know. What’s missing from this bar, however, is a hearty piece of bacon to top off and stir up my 3/4 vodka, 1/4 Worcestershire sauce bloody. Luckily, I was able to locate the perfect crispy slice over in the make-your-own-omlette section of the breakfast buffet, and I promptly stuck that sucker in there like it was a straw.
Waiter (eyeing my drink): “Señorita, is that BACON in there?”
Me: “Si señor! Es muy americano!”
Waiter: (laughs, then walks away and mumbles to another waiter something about a corazón.)
Me (to Gabi): “He totally just told that other waiter I’m going to have a heart attack.”
Gabi: “No he didn’t.”
Me (insistent and insulted): “Yes he did! Corazón means heart!”
Gabi: “He was saying ‘girl after my own heart.'”
Oh. Well. In that case, Gab, if you see a hairnet on our door tonight, don’t come a knockin. (Because it’ll be his hairnet. The one he’s wearing right now. On top of his dark, slicked-back Mexican mane. You get where I’m going with this.)
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