And just like that, my quality of life improves 95%.
Now I just need this feature on iMessage.
And, you know. My mouth.
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Agree to Disagree
Me: “So did you enjoy the movie ‘Hook’?!”
Kid: “It was a bit immature for my taste.”
It’s my favorite movie.
He’s All Set For 5th Grade
Kid (referring to Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell in “Hook”): “She’s so tiny in this movie!”
Me: “Yeah, well. She lost a lot of weight to get the role.”
Kid: “Really?!”
Me: “No.”
Kid: “Oh.”
There’s not much more I can do for you, kid.
So…you had a good year, then?
Kid: “I wrote you and Miss [coteacher] an end-of-year card.”
#WhenYourStudentsAreSmarterThanYouAre
No Paper or Plastic Needed
When you’re so checked out, you start bringing your own grocery bags to work.
#justringmeup #done
Stop Looking At Me Swan
That moment when you’re so sweaty post-morning-run in Starbucks that the homeless man camped out by the bathroom is judging you.
95 Degrees Tomorrow
Us (to the school custodian): “Will the AC be fixed tomorrow?! It’s going to be 95 degrees! We’re suffering in here and it’s only in the 80s today!”
Custodian: “You have FOUR DAYS left.”
Us: “But it’s so hot on the 5th floor! The heat rises! We can’t breathe!”
Custodian: “Not even 4 days! 3 and a half days! That’s IT. I’m here ALL SUMMER.”
Good. Someone to find my remains.
#wemightdieinhere
Just Based On Your Looks, Part 2
(Continuation of Just Based on Your Looks )
So last week, a kid told me that physically, I resemble a Siberian cat. She wasn’t sure which animal represented my personality, but she thought about it (a LOT) over the weekend and finally decided:
Sperm whale.
I shit you not. She decided I am a sperm whale.
I asked her why, and she gave me an entire dissertation. Literally a 10-15 point list. I asked her to please write it down because at a certain point, I was unable to follow what the hell she was saying.
I did manage, however, to process and remember her #1 reason: “Sperm whales are very intelligent animals that hang around the bottom of the ocean with the least intelligent of species.”
I’m assuming this is a dig at my co-teacher. Not because she’s not intelligent, but because that would be fucking hilarious.
Pretty much all the other reasons began with the sentence, “Well, don’t be offended by this, but…”
That’s when I stopped listening and told her to put it in writing.
To be continued.
Ebola Mom Part 40
(Continuation of Ebola Mom Part 39 and part of the Ebola Mom series)
Me: “Sorry I didn’t get to see you last week.”
Kid: “It’s ok. I would have been crying the whole time you were here anyway.”
Me: “Oh no! Why?”
Kid: “Because my mom told me that if I still had lice after the second shampoo, she’d shave my head.”
I’ll be honest– I’m with Mom on this one.
You’re Welcome…?
“When I first got the letter introducing you as my teacher, I thought ‘Ok, average 30-something with a decent education.’ But you’re so much more than that.”
–Kid, during our end-of-year party, thanking me.
I think.
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