Category Archives: Random Thoughts/Happenings

Weird Shit That Helps My Depression

Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , , ,

I dare you– DARE YOU– to start your day watching/listening to this clip and not be in a better mood.

Hold on to your habit– shit’s about to get joyful!!!!!

A few disclaimers:

1) I am not claiming that a song/dance routine can cure depression. If that were the case, I would have flushed my Prozac years ago and used the therapy money to buy a yacht. Well, not a yacht. Maybe a lifetime’s worth of Chipotle? Ok fine a yacht is a better investment. I just felt my dad put his head in his hands. (It’s just…then I’d have to learn how to yacht, how to take care of a yacht…just seems like a lot of work, Dad….)

2) My sharing of this clip is not a promotion of religion. I am not religious. I am certainly not Catholic. I am Jewish, remember? You must be new here.

3) Hey, remember when Lauryn Hill didn’t hate all white people? Ok, fine, that turned out to be a nasty rumor (seriously– I was curious so I Snope-d it), but it still made me sad for a few years.

4) I obviously still bought her album, screamed the lyrics to “Doo-Wop (That Thing)” and just hoped she never found out about it. Because if the rumors about her not wanting white people to sing her music were true, I was most definitely the EXACT white person she was talking about.

5) Yeah, I know. 3 and 4 aren’t really disclaimers. It’s called A.D.D., guys.

Taxi Cab Sex is the Least of My Concerns

Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , ,

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A friend just told me he read a Gawker article about the prevalence of sex in NYC taxi cabs, and he warned me to “consider the history of that seat” next time I’m in a cab.

Great. Let me add that to my list of taxi cab concerns, a list that already includes:

1. Bed bugs
2. Nausea
3. Contagious B.O. (you all saw the Seinfeld episode)
4. Accidentally leaving umbrella on cab floor
5. Fatal crash. Head detaches from body. Rolls into pothole. Resides for eternity with rats.
6. Stuck in middle of Puerto Rican Day parade. No way out.
7. Driver is actually serial killer; drives out of Manhattan without me noticing, as I’m not great at noticing things. Kills me in dark, deserted Long Island field. Dumps me on LIRR tracks. Body resides for eternity with rats.

Obviously those concerns are not listed in most-concerning order.

If that were the case, the umbrella thing would go first. That shit is the WORST.

Babies Are Bad At Everything

Family, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , ,

You would think having their photo taken would be the ONE thing babies would be good at, given that they are so damn cute. But let me tell you something– babies are TERRIBLE at taking a selfie. Like, shockingly bad.

I tried taking one with my nephew all night, and he would not cooperate for ANY of them. He either blocked my mouth with his little alien hands, made the “I’m totally shitting myself” face (likely because he was), gave himself six chins, or stuck out his tongue like a drunk uncle. It’s like he was purposely TRYING to take the world’s first photo that Valencia couldn’t fix.

Luckily I Magic Hour-ed that shit and managed to filter out all the drool. It doesn’t matter WHOSE drool it was, guys. The point is, I fixed it.

Because I am good at things, baby nephew. Pay attention to your Auntie Em and maybe you’ll learn some things. You know, important things. Things EVERY SINGLE Kardashian knows how to do.

On an unrelated note, I should never have children.