Me: “When should we perform CPR on a child?”
CPR Trainer: “When the child is unresponsive.”
Well then. Break out the AED machine. My entire class is legally dead.
Tag Archives: teacher problems
Not Every Story Needs Context
My co-teacher (on the phone with her husband): “So, Emily decided to take her bra off, and then our principal walked in to observe us.”
I mean…there was a bit more context to that story but yeah.
That’s pretty much exactly what happened.
(For the record, yesterday was National No Bra Day. I’m a philanthropist.)
A Teaching Metaphor
People often ask me what it’s like to teach at a city public school, so I figured I’d go ahead and create a pat answer that almost anyone can relate to.
You know that feeling you have when you’re trying to fold a fitted sheet? It’s like that.
But instead of one sheet, you’re folding 30 sheets at the same time.
And every sheet has its own unique challenge, in addition to the inherent challenge of it being a GODDAMN FITTED SHEET THAT WON’T FOLD.
Some of the sheets have holes in them, and no matter how gentle you try to be, you end up accidentally ripping them more, because they’re just too damn fragile.
Some are as stiff as cardboard and simply can’t be bent in any direction, no matter how hard you push, tug, and pull.
Some smell like stale sweat so you have to figure out a way to fold them without breathing, lest you vomit.
Some are falling apart at the seams.
Some have bed bugs.
Some are tear-stained.
Some are straight up covered in pee.
But you’re still expected to fold all 30 of them every single day, all at the same time, and put them neatly away. In a pristine pile. In a tiny, overheated closet that can’t possibly hold a pile of 30 sheets.
Then at 3pm, EVERY SINGLE DAY (even on the days you DO manage to create an actual pristine pile, which happens an average of 1 day per decade), the sheet manufacturers come by, rip open your tiny closet, rummage through your neat pile, and derail everything you worked so hard to do.
But don’t worry, you get another chance to fold them bright and early the next morning.
And every morning.
For the rest of your life.
But yeah otherwise teaching is great!
Sometimes I Have to Explain Things In a Way the Parent Will Understand
As I sit here writing an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) for a student in my class, I am reminded of a meeting years ago in which the parent of the child asked why her extremely emotionally disturbed son wasn’t at a higher reading level. I explained that young James was not excelling in reading (note: he was progressing, just not excelling) because he spent his days at school tantruming, curling up in a ball, instigating fights with other children, and hiding under the security desk in the school’s main lobby.
She then asked, “But you’re the special ed teacher, isn’t it your job to stop him and make him learn?”
I then showed her the learning goals I had outlined and was implementing for James, and explained that while it is my job to support his needs to my greatest ability, that is also my job for 28 other students in the class, and it is not always possible for me to “stop James and make him learn,” particularly when he is screaming curse words and throwing chairs at me.
She then asked “Then what is the point of having the special ed teacher there if she’s not helping the special ed kids?”
I then showed her the positive behavior reward system I had written and implemented for James, and explained that I am helping him, and he is progressing. I just can’t be all things at all times.
She then said “But if you were really helping, James would be at a higher reading level.”
I then showed her the pencil in my hand, and explained that I keep a pencil in my hand almost all day, as it is a superb tool for teaching children. To demonstrate this to her, I got a piece of paper, and showed her how with this pencil, I could write words, create visuals, edit mistakes, and expose children to all kinds of new educational concepts.
But no matter how hard I tried, when I pointed my pencil at students, I couldn’t seem to get it to shoot out fairy dust.
Because it’s a fucking pencil.
Not a magic wand.
And I’m not a wizard.
So SHUT YOUR FACE, lady.
I think I handled this with aplomb
Kid: “Miss Emily, can you please look at this for me?”
(This = the inside of his gums, where he had a huge, raging canker sore)
Me: “I’m looking. And I see. So I’m going to stop looking now.”
Kid: “Well it’s just that it hurts. Do you see anything?”
Me: “Yes. It appears you have a canker sore.”
Kid: “Will it kill me?”
Me: “What?! No. No it will not.”
Kid: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Yes. Canker sores are annoying and unpleasant, but they go away and they will certainly not kill you.”
Kid: “Is it like a cold sore? Because a cold sore can kill you.”
Me: “It’s different from a cold sore…but last time I checked, a cold sore will not kill you either.”
Kid: “Well that’s not true. You don’t always get them in your mouth…”
Me: “This conversation is over. Please get back to work.”
And then I stood up, went to the other side of the room, and hid behind the math center.
Because that’s what you do when a 9-year-old alludes to genital herpes.
You run away and hide behind a bin of protractors.
#mastersdegree
No. No you may not.
“Excuse me, may I have some of your coffee? It’s just that I’m very tired today.”
–Kid, 9 years old, after waking up from his mid-lesson rug nap.
Thanks for asking, kid!
But your blank stare indicates that perhaps you disagree.
If anyone has an extra sense of humor, I know 28 nine-year-olds who could use one.
#toughroom
Validation
For the first time ever, someone at work walked up to me, gave me a genuine pat on the back and said with 100% sincerity, “You did great work today. I’m proud of you.”
Alright fine, he’s 9. But still.
Alright fine, he said the same exact thing to someone else 5 seconds later. But still.
Alright fine, that “someone else” was a booger he just pulled out of his nose.
But…still?
I miss last year’s weirdos.
Are We Racist?
On Friday, our 4th grade class had “book buddies” with a 1st grade class (it’s exactly how it sounds– 1st and 4th graders are paired up, and they read books together). It was our first book buddy session, so we, the teachers, had to assign the partnerships for the year.
The 1st grade teacher immediately told us that one of her students spoke Spanish and almost no English, and we agreed that it’d be great to partner him with a Spanish-speaking 4th grader, to make him feel more comfortable. So we did.
Then we thought “Oh, WE have a Japanese-speaking 4th grader– do you have any 1st graders who speak Japanese?” And she did, so we paired them together and then watched delightedly as they conversed in both English and Japanese.
“How lovely! We’re great!” we thought.
But then, as we looked around the room and saw Asians paired with Asians, Hispanics paired with Hispanics, and Pacific Islanders/Other paired with other Pacific Islanders/Other….we thought, “Oh, fuck– are we racist?”
Nah. Our intentions were good.
I’ll admit we were toeing the line when we yelled “Hey, you two Jews! Go find a book about money and read together.”
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