Dear Auto-Correct,

I solemnly swear that there is no circumstance in which I have ever meant, or will ever mean, “duck” or “ducking.”

So stop it. You are being the opposite of helpful. In fact, go ahead and eliminate those two words from your lexicon entirely.

I realize that there might be a day when I regret this request, such as when I am caught in an air missile strike or am being pecked to death by pond wildlife, but that’s a risk I am willing to take.

Besides, fuck and fucking will work just fine in both those situations.

Thanks,
Emily