(Related to Things That Scare the Shit Out of Me )
Holy crap, guys. My life is the movie Groundhog Day.
Category Archives: Random Thoughts/Happenings
Not Better
Sitting here in the dermatologist waiting room, there is a teenage boy with severe acne, looking pretty sad.
I wanted to lean over to him and whisper, “Don’t worry, it gets better,” but then I remembered that I’m here to get my moles checked for cancer.
So it doesn’t really get better…it just gets…deadlier?
I’m going to stay quiet.
Overactive Bladder
I’ve been complaining about my frequent urination issues for a while now, so, urged by friends and family, I finally went to see a urologist.
Urologist: “So what seems to be the problem?”
Me: “I have to pee ALL the time. Way too much. Way too often.”
Urologist: “It sounds like you might have overactive bladder.”
Me: “No, I KNOW I have an overactive bladder. That’s what I’m saying. That’s the only symptom. My bladder is overactive.”
Urologist: “Right, but I’m saying, that means you probably have Overactive Bladder. That’s the name of the condition.”
Me: “Are you serious?”
Urologist: “Yes.”
Me: “So they just took the one symptom and named the condition that?”
Urologist: “Well…yes. Essentially.”
Me: “That seems lazy.”
Urologist: “I’m sorry you’re disappointed.”
Me: “So I just paid to hear things I already know. Things anyone who knows me knows.”
Urologist: “Possibly.”
Me: “Is your job even real?”
He’s doing a cystoscopy on me next week. But I’m pretty sure he recommended it just so he could say a big, medical-y term I’ve never heard of and prove his job is real.
I’m on to you, pee doctor.
Old People PSA
Dear Old People,
You are no longer allowed to use self checkout.
Look, it’s not an ageist thing. It’s a me not wanting to be responsible for kicking you in the face thing. I have a hard enough time in society as it is– I don’t want to also have to explain to people why I went ahead and kicked an old lady in the face that one time. No one would understand. Unless they were here with me, right now, in this CVS, watching you take FIFTY YEARS to ring up ONE can of Fancy Feast cat food. (Of COURSE you have a cat. You are KILLING ME.)
So that’s it. No more self check out. K?
Great.
Oh Christ. Is that a checkbook?!
3rd Wheel
When you’re on your couch but on a group text with a guy at the Phish concert and a guy streaming said Phish concert.
I Don’t Know Who I am Anymore
That moment when you agree to go to another Phish concert. On Saturday.
Rules for Phish
Tonight I am attending my first Phish concert ever.
Eric: “Your only job tonight is to embrace what’s around you, and if you’re judging, judge silently.”
Me: <Long, confused stare. Wondering if he knows me at all.>
Eric: “Ok, fine. Judge out loud, but only to me.”
Deal.
Making a Murderer
So it turns out that the detective skills I employ when I come across a suspicious rug stain in my 4th grade classroom (re: blame the shady, smelly kid– I didn’t see him do it, I didn’t hear him do it, there is virtually zero proof he did it, but come on just LOOK at him! He’s so smelly!) are the same exact tactics employed by our U.S. criminal justice system when indicting for murder.
And I didn’t even have to pay for law school!
#winning
Just Figured I’d Save My Breath
Is it weird that when I booked this urologist appointment on ZocDoc, in the “notes for the doctor” section I put a link to this blog post?
On a side note, everyone in this waiting room is approximately 106 years old. And male.
Pretty sure we’re all Jewish, though.
Signs You’re Staying at a World Class Resort
Here’s some wall art from our hotel room:
We tried to fix it. But it’s literally bolted into the wall this way.
Do we complain to management? There’s got to be a discount for idiocy.
Although in fairness, it took us over 36 hours to notice this. And it’s the only piece of art in the room.
This might be an idiocy draw.
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