“Oh my god Miss Emily– you’re a beautiful woman!” –kid, when I returned from my lunch break wearing makeup.
Mental Note: Put more effort into self.
Also: Be nicer to said kid.
Tag Archives: kids
Literal Larry
Me: “Make sure the cover of your test booklet says ‘2015 Common Core English Language Arts Test’ followed by ‘Grade 4, Form A.’ Raise your hand if your book does NOT say this.”
Kid (raising hand): “My book doesn’t say ‘followed by.'”
This is going to go well.
That’s The Attitude!
Kid (in complete unamused deadpan): “Happy first day of state testing.” (Looks at floor, puts head in hands)
Ah, young squire. I’ve taught you well.
Soon you’ll be saying such things over a plate of nachos salted with your own tears.
Ok, so…where is he?
Kid: “I wanted to bring you back something from our vacation in London but my mom said the best thing we can get you is a date.”
When Clients Overshare
A simple “she’s sick” would have sufficed.
Growing Pains
Me (to male student): “Wow, look at you! You look older!”
Kid: <blank stare, blatant discomfort>
Oh. Right. You’re pre-pubescent. This conversation is your worst nightmare.
Sadness? Yeah I Think I’ve Heard of It.
Tutoring a 5th grader…
Kid: “Do you ever feel sadness?”
Me: “Sure.”
I call it “Winter.”
When it happens in the fall, I call it “Mental Health Disorder.”
When it happens in the summer, I call it “Hangover.”
When it happens in the spring, I call it “For The Love of God, WTF Is Wrong With You?! It’s SPRING– WHY AREN’T YOU HAPPY?! You Are The WORST. And Stop Resenting Those Happy People Over There. It’s Not Their Fault They Know How To Enjoy Things While You Feel Dead Inside. For Christ’s Sake, Come On, The Sun Is Out!” (I’ll admit this one could use a nickname).
We’ll call yours “Puberty.”
Regardless, grab a hat, some chocolate (or, ideally– a chocolate hat) and hold the fuck on.
Oh. I Hear It Now.
This is what I (and all teachers) must sound like when we complain about going back to work after a vacation:
Jeopardy
While tutoring…
Me: “I’ll give you 30 seconds to answer the question. Like on Jeopardy.”
Kid: <blank stare>
Me: “Tell me you know what Jeopardy is.”
Kid: “Is that the show that Will Ferrel hosts? And everyone is dressed like famous people and no one ever gets any questions right?”
You know what? Yes.
Infinitely more impressive than if you knew the actual Jeopardy.
Poor
Kid: “Do you tutor me over vacation because you’re poor?”
Me: “What?! No!”
Yes.
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