(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Glad someone’s keeping track of her kid’s progress. 
For reference, the state tests are scored on a 1-4 scale:
1= below grade level
2= approaching grade level
3= on grade level
4= above grade level
Tag Archives: state tests
Multiple Choice Strategy
A kid hands in his state test (multiple choice) with two answers circled for one question.
Me: “You can only choose one answer for each question.”
Kid: “Well, I know but I couldn’t decide between B and C. So I’m just going to do both.”
Me: “You can’t do both. If you choose both, it’s automatically wrong.”
Kid: “Ok.”
(Does nothing)
Me: “Please choose one answer.”
Kid: “No thank you. I’ll take my chances.”
I’m not sure you understand how chances work.
They’re for my daily PB & J lunch, but I guess I’ve made it pretty clear how miserable the state tests are making me.
Also if I go to jail the jean couch is coming with me. Obviously.
Tales From the State Test
Dear NYC Department of Education,
You’re probably looking at this photo and thinking “Hmmm, what am I looking at here?”
Well I’ll tell you what you’re looking at.
This is a picture of a GIANT FUCKING COCKROACH, roughly the size of my man-handed fist, trapped underneath a book bin, then secured with a chair. This massive fella decided to show himself in the middle of the NY state test today, casually sauntering across the library floor like he owned the place, causing two of my 4th graders to jump out of their chairs, and, subsequently, the entire room to start screaming bloody murder.
As the only adult in the room, I had to act quickly and maturely. This consisted of me screaming “EVERYBODY STAY CALM!!!!!!” like a batshit psycho, while darting across the room to the shelves, grabbing the nearest book bin, dumping out the entirety of its contents onto a table where 4 kids were test-taking, holding my breath, and trying to retrace the life choices that had lead me to this exact moment in time, so that I could undo them.
Once I trapped it beneath the bin, I put a chair on top of it, just in case that motherfucker decided to try something funny. Trust no one, DOE.
After the chair was secured and I had both swallowed the vomit in my throat and wiped the tears from my eyes, the kids were asked to sit for another hour, alongside the cockroach, and finish their exams.
So that’s why everyone failed.
Love,
Miss Emily
The Perfect Way to Celebrate
That glorious first day after state testing is done, when you show up to work and find out you’re being pulled from your classroom to give 4 make-up state tests.
Not Possible
Student: “Miss Emily, look! When I add 214 and 90, I get that the answer is still 214. But that’s not possible!”
Me: “You’re right. Not possible. So what do you think that means?”
Student (with a knowing smile): “There’s a typo on the test!”
And then I quit my job and never came back.
Perfect.
Me: “Hey, kiddo! How’d the test go?!”
Kid: “Yes.”
Yup.
Certainly helps explain why one of my students had a panic attack mid-way through the first reading passage– meant for 6TH/7TH GRADERS.
Literal Larry
Me: “Make sure the cover of your test booklet says ‘2015 Common Core English Language Arts Test’ followed by ‘Grade 4, Form A.’ Raise your hand if your book does NOT say this.”
Kid (raising hand): “My book doesn’t say ‘followed by.'”
This is going to go well.
Things I Learned in Today’s Professional Development
It’s only “teaching to the test” if you call it “teaching to the test.” If you call it “Test Prep Academy,” it’s best practice.
I’m glad my superiors explained this to me slowly and carefully while swinging a pocket watch and chanting the mantra “we do not teach to the test,” because when I first saw the schedule for the next two months I was starting to wonder why I became a teacher.
But “Test Prep Academy” sounds super fun, guys!!! Can we all wear fatigues?!
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