In reference to my post Hello? , a friend texted me the following:
Tag Archives: lying
Highlights of My Day
That moment when you figure out that two of your students have told you a very serious, very elaborate lie. And they think they’ve gotten away with it, so they’ve been secretly smiling at each other all day. And you’re literally counting the MILLIseconds until you get to bust them.
I need a life.
Lies I Tell So People Will Hate Me Less
That moment on a plane when you’re so embarrassed by your overactive bladder that you apologetically explain to the annoyed woman in the aisle seat, who is getting up for you for the 3rd time, that you’re pregnant.
You’re not pregnant. You just know that’ll make her sympathetic and less annoyed. And you’re right. It does.
What you don’t know is that this will incite an entire conversation about said make-believe fetus.
How far along am I? About 3 months. I know. It’s crazy, I’m barely showing. I’m sure that won’t last, especially with the aid of these nacho cheesier Doritos! (Woman cackles with laughter, seems less disgusted with my snack choice than she was previously).
The father? He’s amazing. Been married 3 years. He’s in Florida for business right now, so I’m meeting him at The Breakers. Yeah, I know. Ritzy. But the thing is, he, and therefore we, are richer than God. Sometimes we take baths in our dollars and I wear a bra made of diamonds. Don’t be fooled by the hole in this Old Navy hoodie I’m wearing. In public, I prefer to blend.
First child? No. We have toddler triplets. One boy and two conjoined girls. Yeah, that delivery was rough! (finish bag of Doritos, lick fingers, bust open the Toblerone).
Names? Haven’t decided yet. I like Coconut. Maybe Sunshine. Or Palm Tree. No, I’m not just naming things I’m excited to see in Florida.
Am I sure it’s ok to fly? I don’t know. Why? Is that a thing? Maybe that’s why my girls are conjoined…
Oh ok, cool. Now we’re done here.
(Note: nothing past the 4th paragraph actually happened. Except in my head. This is how I pass time on flights. It’s also the effects of Xanax).
I Totally Get It, Brian Williams
Everyone needs to lay off Brian Williams. Who DOESN’T lie at work?!
- “This is the most interesting Colonial America expository I’ve ever read!” (not possible)
- “I don’t understand why you think it’s so funny when I read the words ‘Moby Dick.'” (I do. I get it. You’re 9.)
- “I’m not upset that you’re sick, I’m upset that you’re not covering your mouth when you cough.” (I’m VERY upset that you’re sick– GO HOME!)
- “The Handwriting-Detective app on my iPhone will help me figure out who wrote ‘sex’ on this post it note, so I suggest you just confess.” (Handwriting app doesn’t exist, but I already know the culprit, as only one of you knows what sex is.)
- “I respect your parents’ decision not to let you wear deodorant, and I don’t at all wish I could handcuff them to a table in this classroom on days we have gym first period.” (I make this plea to god every Thursday)
- “This math lesson is going to be interesting AND fun!” (a quick two-lies-in-one)
- “I missed you over the summer!” (I feel like you’re not even buying this one, so I’m not sure why I keep saying it)
- “Everything we do in this classroom is important!” (It’s not. It’s just not. Composite vs. prime numbers? No. Who cares. You’re fine.)
Although I suppose one could argue that I, too, should be fired…
My Students Would Never Lie to Me
A student misbehaved yesterday so I sent a note home explaining the incident to her mom, and asked that the note be signed and returned. Today the kid handed me this.
Me: “So your mom read and signed THIS paper?”
Kid: “Yes.”
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