Yesterday my brother Zack ditched my family birthday dinner. He told me over text, but then immediately reassured me of this:
About 30 seconds after he texted this, I get the following email with the following subject, containing no content: 
So I responded: 
Because you clearly have NO GIFT IDEA PLANNED. To which he responded: 
I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
That moment when the only man in your life who wishes you a sincere, heartfelt happy birhday is 9.
Kid: “Happy birthday Miss Emily!”
Me: “Thanks kiddo!”
Kid: “Turning 25? (Charming grin)”
Me: “You didn’t do your homework, did you?”
Kid: <slinks away>
Nothing gets by THIS old lady.
Co worker: “Happy birthday! How old are you?”
Me: “Thanks! 33.”
Co worker: “Oh! Nice! The Jesus year!”
I’m no Jesus expert, but…wasn’t that a rough year for him?
I pop into Starbucks after my morning run (in the SNOW– are you fucking SERIOUS, Winter? GO HOME) and my favorite elderly, sweet, soft-spoken barista takes my order.
Barista: “And happy birthday!”
Me: “Aw thank you! How’d you know?”
Barista: “You’re wearing a tag that says ‘It’s my birthday, bitches.'”
Me: “Oh. Right.”
Yeah. I know. I just wanted to hear you say bitches.
First birthday gift to myself? Check!
First sign I’m totally maturing? Double Check.
“Remember how much you resented me the day I arrived? And how I said I know you’re not happy to see me, but you better appreciate me while you have me, because even though I make you anxious, there will come a day when you will want me to hang around, but I won’t be able to, and you’ll miss me once I’m gone? Remember how you ignored all that and kept thinking I was the WORST?
Well how do you feel NOW, bitch?!”
<evil cackle over bubbling cauldron>
— Age 32, to me.
It is so NOT fine.
After a few minutes of conversation, and from viewing my profile and photos, this guy thought he had me “all figured out.”
Is this really necessary, MacBook? What are you trying to say? That I’m too damn old to remember my own birthday? That I now require TWO reminders in a row, just in case my aging, decaying brain can’t comprehend the first one? Well FUCK YOU.
Also thanks. I did sort of forget.
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