I’m sitting at the bar of a restaurant downtown, waiting for my friends to show up. Guy and girl next to me are CLEARLY on a first date (I heard them introduce themselves). The guy makes a big production out of what drink to order, even makes a joke about feeling pressured to get “something manly and impressive.” Finally the bartender comes over to ask for their order. The guy clears his throat.
“I’ll have a Grey Goose and vodka.”
You know your mom’s the coolest when you describe a guy you went on a date with as “a huge pussy,” and instead of cringing or telling you to watch your language, she simply responds:
“Uch. Yeah. Forget it.”
Because Grandma Charlie has no time for a wuss.
I recently made the decision to go back to Israel this summer, and my dear friend is not in favor of this. He questions why I would ever want to spend an extended amount of time in a place that I know, for a FACT, is dangerous and volatile– a place where my life, mental health, and well being will be under constant threat.
Kid: “Do you like tutoring on the weekends?”
Me: “Sure.”
Kid: “I hate doing work on the weekends. I’m surprised you like it.”
Me: “Well, if there’s an opportunity to help a kid learn, I take it!”
Kid: “You’re a nice person.”
Me: ” Aw thanks kid.”
Your mother is paying me double my weekday rate.
But you still owe me $1.6 million dollars. And about 92 hours of my life back. And an apology to all my students, my co-teacher, and my therapist for that day you accidentally gave me decaf.
I feel badly about this.
Nor is she dramatic.
For providing me with a concrete response when my students ask why spelling is important.
“Because when you don’t spell correctly, you go to JAIL, kids!!!!!!!!!”
I have a first date (like, in real life) with emoji-loving This Fresh Prince tonight. So the question, of course, is DO I WEAR THIS?!?!?
Relax, guys. I’m totally kidding. I’m not insane. I would never wear a towel on a first date.
But yes to the emoji sweatshirt, right?
Kid (finishing math practice test): “I think I got everything right.”
Me: “Well, you must have GREAT teachers!”
Kid: “Yeah.”
Me: (going to give him a high five)
Kid: “At my Japanese school.”
Emily's Posts 