I’m thinking a lot of things, Ben. None of them are good.
All posts by Emily
Tricks for Feeling Productive
Look, guys! I JUST finished writing my to-do list and I can already check one thing off! Today is going to be a GREAT day.
This Defensive Guy
After several emails back and forth with this guy from JDate (as a reminder, the J in JDate stands for “Jewish”– what’s that? Everyone knows this? Yeah well that’s what I thought too), he asks me out and we make a plan:
Oh, ok. Thanks for the power-point-presentation-turned-blow-off, weirdo.
I will have an awesome week.
Always Be Honest With Your Dating App
The dating site “Coffee Meets Bagel” just sent me my daily match. For those of you who don’t know how this dating site works (which likely means you are in a happy, committed relationship, and have been for a while, so go fuck yourself (keep reading my blog, though)), every day the app sends you a “bagel” (aka, a “match”) and you decide if you are going to “like” or “pass.”
After you “like” your bagel (yup, this is a phrase I say with a straight face these days) the app will ask you WHY you liked him, in what I assume is an attempt to gather more information abut “your type,” in order to send you more accurate matches each day.
Unfortunately, none of the choices provided matched my true reason for “liking” today’s bagel, so I had to provide my own response at the bottom.
I can’t wait to see who I get tomorrow, as honesty never backfires.
My Sister Gives the Best Advice
Oh, yeah, totally. I won’t.
Soy Sauce or Sharpie?
When your day begins with the question “Is this soy sauce or Sharpie?” while staring at a stain on your shower towel, it’s time to reevaluate your entire existence.
Because honestly, neither answer is reassuring, and both answers represent a situation that never should have occurred while wearing a bath towel.
Consequently, I have been shamed into learning an important lesson this morning.
I should do everything naked.
Motherhood Has Really Softened My Sister
After offering to come over today after work to feed the baby, I mention, as a random side note, my suspicions of a student I worked with this morning….
Positive Spin
In therapy, I always know that my therapist will be super impressed when I am able to put a positive analytical spin on a negative situation. After all, this kind of optimisim has taken me years to accomplish:
“So, I hurt my ankle over the summer while training for a marathon. It was a silly accident– I tripped over a tree root. It wasn’t an acute, horrible pain, but over the next few days, my ankle just felt generally weak and sore. So I decided to rest it for a few days. When I tried running again the next week, I still couldn’t. So I had to give up the marathon, which was hugely dissapointing, and take a longer hiatus from running. Just recently though, months later, I started to get back into it, running almost every day. And now my ankle is acting up again. And you know what? I think this might be God’s way of saying ‘SLOW DOWN, Em. Take a moment. Life isn’t a race. Breathe. Look around, appreciate what is happening in the now, and stop trying to run from your anxieties.’ So, see, the hurt ankle is actually a blessing– a constant reminder to stay focused in the present.”
I sat back, crossed my arms, extremely satisfied with myself for being so optimistically thoughtful.
Therapist: “I think God is telling you to get an x-ray. You might have a stress fracture.”
Uch
I hate it when people post purposely vague statements in order to get attention and elicit follow up questions from all their Facebook friends. It’s so juvenile.
You know exactly what I’m talking about, “certain someone”– I’m sick of it.
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Follow up– an hour after I posted the above:
The Just Cant’s
After my fifth time explaining a math concept, the kid I’m tutoring STILL doesn’t get it. I let out a big sigh.
Kid: “Uh oh– do you have a case of the just cant’s?”
Me: “Excuse me? The what?”
Kid: “It’s what happens when you JUST. CAN’T.”
Me: “Interesting. I didn’t know that was a medical thing.”
Kid: “Oh, yeah. My mom gets them all the time. And that noise you just made? That’s what she sounds like when she’s getting them.”
Me: “I think I might have a chronic case of the Just-Can’ts.”
Kid: “You should try locking yourself in your bedroom and listening to a Garth Brooks CD.”
Great. All I need is an actual bedroom and to own a CD.
