Me: “So what did you guys do for the Martin Luther King holiday?”
Kid 1: “I went to the zoo.”
Kid 2: “We went ice skating.”
Kid 3: “I went to Pizzeria Uno!”
Me: “Ok, great, but I meant did anyone do anything to honor the Martin Luther King holiday?”
(dead silence)
Me: “Really? NO ONE did anything MLK related?”
(deader silence)
Me: “That’s really a shame, guys.”
Kid 1: “Well what did YOU do, Miss Emily?”
Oh. Nothing.
Kid: “Miss Emily! Your hair is as beautiful as SpongeBob’s!”
When I told my date last night that I am going to Florida in February, he immediately jumped to the conclusion that my parents have a second home there. He literally just assumed that because I am a Jewish girl from the east coast, my family MUST have a house in Florida. And that really pissed me off.
Because why DON’T we have a house in Florida, Mom and Dad?
Dear Someecards,
WTF, guys? Look, I’ve always been a huge fan. Love your cards, and send them to everyone I know, for all occasions, no matter how seemingly inappropriate (most recent lesson learned: Death of a beloved pet = never funny. Friend getting dumped = only sometimes funny, with the right drugs on hand).
So I went to your online store, knowing you’d have some hilarious gift options for my 6-week-old nephew, who is the the cutest damn thing in the world but who also does some pretty weird shit, such as not understand English and constantly piss himself. I knew if anyone would understand how selfish and absurd babies are, it’d be you guys. And I was right! Your website gave me several baby-shaming options, right down to “I totally wrecked a vagina” (which I came thisclose to ordering, but my sister’s sense of humor has its limits, in that it barely exists.)
But there was one that was just freakin PERFECT, because, as much as my sister loves being a mom and loves that little chicken mcnugget, she mutters the words “Being a lawyer is so much easier than taking care of an infant” at a rate of 3 times per minute whenever I’m there. So when I saw the onesie that read “I make Daddy look forward to going into the office,” I thought, “Oh! Perfect! I just need the Mommy version!”
But there is no Mommy version. So I thought, “Oh, ok, this is weird. Maybe someecards just doesn’t have anyone on staff who is a woman. Or knows a woman. Or has existed in society in the past 50 years. Or lives in America. Or has heard of America.” But then I perused your “Somewhat Topical,” section, and this everyone-at-someecards-is-living-under-a-boulder-or-maybe-in-Afghanistan theory didn’t quite add up, as I see you have already printed cards about the Selma Oscar snub, Fifty Shades of Grey the Movie, and even a hilarious depiction of someone getting killed by traffic while crossing the street and checking their iPhone (totally going to happen to me one day, so I’m glad people will have a card to send to my mother).
Anyway, I’m not saying I’m going to protest your site or anything, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed. I count on you guys to be spot-on in your depictions of our ridiculous, fucked-up, asinine society. So let me be the first to clue you in: in our ridiculous, fucked-up, asinine society– women work.
Thanks for listening,
Emily (a woman who works, and who plans to work when she has kids one day, and who plans to be just as excited as her husband to get away from said kids– so get that Mommy-in-the-workplace shit made before then. You probably have a while.)
#someecards
Tutoring a kid in fractions, the word “sixths,” keeps coming up, which is a difficult word for me to say, given that I have a slight lisp…
Me: “Sorry, I know I keep mispronouncing it, but it’s hard for me to say with my lisp.”
Kid: “What’s a lisp?”
Me: “It’s a speech impediment. It makes it hard to say certain sounds, like ‘th’ and ‘s.'”
Kid: “Is that why you sometimes spit when you talk?”
Me: “Oh….um. Yes. I actually had convinced myself that no one noticed that.”
Kid: “Oh, I noticed.”
Me: “Yes, clearly.”
Kid: “And, like, I never notice ANYTHING.”
Me: “Great.”
Kid: “Seriously, my mom’s always like ‘Katie, how do you NOT notice that? It’s right in front of you!'”
Me: “I see.”
Kid: “But yeah. Anyway. I noticed the spitting.”
My mom is in town for the week, and last night the whole family got together for dinner:
Mom: “What are your plans tomorrow?”
Me: “I have a date. A first date.”
Brother-in-law: “Where are you going?”
Me: “I forgot the name. It’s a place I’ve never been to before.”
Brother-in-law: “You should try this place The Jeffrey. They have really good drinks. I think it’s expensive though, so maybe save it for a 3rd date.”
Mom: “Yeah, if she makes it that far.”
As a teacher (and someone who is just generally overwhelmed at all times), I DID kind of appreciate how he broke things down and made it easier for me.
Regardless, I chose “Report a Concern.”
Jeremy is home at Mom and Dad’s house for the weekend:
You shit on me, little nephew, I make you wear this onesie.
After yesterday’s feedback (see Always Be Honest With Your Dating App ), I probably asked for this….
