All posts by Emily

Duck You, Auto-Correct

Random Thoughts/Happenings, , ,

Dear Auto-Correct,

I solemnly swear that there is no circumstance in which I have ever meant, or will ever mean, “duck” or “ducking.”

So stop it. You are being the opposite of helpful. In fact, go ahead and eliminate those two words from your lexicon entirely.

I realize that there might be a day when I regret this request, such as when I am caught in an air missile strike or am being pecked to death by pond wildlife, but that’s a risk I am willing to take.

Besides, fuck and fucking will work just fine in both those situations.

Thanks,
Emily

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My Avoidance Tactics Aren’t Fooling This 9-Year-Old

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Kids/Teaching, , ,

Kid: “Miss Emily, what’s inside a black hole?”
Me: “You know who knows a lot about black holes? My brother. He was an environmental studies major and is just generally obsessed with the idea of space and the universe.”
Kid: “Ok, well he’s not here, so can you just tell me?”
Me: “Well…”
Kid: “You don’t know the answer, do you?”
Me: “No I do not.”
Kid: “Ok. Next time you can just say that.”
Me: “Noted.”
Kid: “Also, maybe your BROTHER should be a teacher. It sounds like he knows things.”

Getting the Job Done

Kids/Teaching, Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happenings

Yesterday around noon, I developed a somewhat debilitating headache. The pain was so bad that I considered canceling my after-school tutoring sessions. But, despite the fact that I was squeezing my head between my hands and barely able to move my neck, I thought to myself, “Just make it through this, and you’ll have $300 cash in your pocket.”

And then I thought, “Oh god, this is exactly what hookers say to themselves.” And that was extremely unsettling.

Because come on, Emily– if hookers can do it, surely so can you!

#positiveselftalk

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Ebola Mom, Part 5

Kids/Teaching, , , , ,

(For background on this character, please see Ebola Mom Part 1 , Ebola Mom Part 2 , Ebola Mom Part 3 , Ebola Mom Part 4 and Ebola Dad)

This woman never disappoints. Right before I show up to her apartment to tutor her daughter at 3:15, she texts me:

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She then asked if I could take her daughter with me to my next client. (I’m not posting that text because in it she uses her daughter’s name, and I try to protect the innocent children). Again, in case you missed how ABSURD this is– SHE ASKED ME TO BRING HER CHILD TO MY NEXT CLIENT’S APARTMENT. No, she does not know my next client.

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Um, not mistake your tutor for a babysitter? Plan ahead? Not be THE WORST? So many options, lady.

They’re Learning

Kids/Teaching, , , ,

Me (to kid): “Ohhhh, you got braces!”
Kid: (embarassed and unamused) “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Me: “Oh. Ok. They hurt?”
Kid: “Yes. And it’s hard to talk.”
Me: “I totally understand. If it makes you feel better–”
Kid: “Yeah, I know. You had braces in high school.”
Me: “Ok. Guess I’ve told that story before.”
Kid: “Yeah. A lot.”
Me: “Ok, well, I’m just saying, I can relate.”
Kid: “It would make me feel better if you had braces NOW….but it doesn’t make me feel better that you had them in high school. That was like…” (stops himself)
Me: “That was like what? A REALLY LONG TIME AGO? Is that what you were going to say?”
Kid: “Yeah. But then I realized.”
Me: “Realized what?”
Kid: “How sad that would make you.”

Good. They’re learning.

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This Is All Andy Samberg’s Fault

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, , ,

That moment when you wish you had done laundry instead of watching 7 episodes of Brooklyn 99 on DVR last night, because now all you have left are these two socks.

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So you put them on and hope that none of your 3 tutoring clients this afternoon insist that you take off your boots before entering their apartment, which is a weird thing to hope because all 3 of them ALWAYS DO.

Damnit, Andy Samberg. Why must you be so addictively and Jewily handsome?

Yeah. I’m Totally Going to Get Fired.

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Kids/Teaching, ,

At the end of the day, I asked two kids in the class to help me clean up:

Me: “Guys, do me a favor– one of you help put up the chairs, and the other please help pick up the atrocious amount of pencils that have been left on the floor.”
(kids burst out laughing)
Me: “Ok, I don’t know why that’s so humorous, but go ahead and get started, please.”
Kid 1: “Can WE use that word you used?”
Me: “Umm…sure.”
Kid 1 (to Kid 2): “Ok, YOU pick up the chairs, and I’LL pick up the asshole-ish amount of pencils on the floor.”
Me: “Woah woah woah WOAH. No! I said ATROCIOUS amount of pencils!”
Kid 1: “Oh. That changes everything.”

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