Kid: “What’s your Instagram name?”
Me: “What’s Instagram?”
Kid: “You don’t know what Instagram is?!”
Me: “Is it like a cracker you can make instantly?”
Kid <head in hands>: “Oh my god.”
Category Archives: blogging
Blog Boyfriend
This is Eric’s life:
Except instead of “Instagram Husband,” it’s “Blog Boyfriend.”
And instead of flattering photos that make us look like we’re living the best, most picturesque life ever, it’s just a bunch of posts that embarrass him, make us both look stupid, and cause him to worry what his mother will think.
This post is a good example.
Worth
“I make your life worth reading about!”
— Eric, whose presence in my life has reduced my blog stats by roughly 70%.
A Resolution I Can Keep
My New Year’s resolution is to care less about what’s happening on social media.
Like, share, and tweet this if you approve!
What My Blog Is About
When people find out I have a blog, the first thing they usually say is “Oh! What’s it about?”
So in the interest of not having to repeat myself, I am going to answer this question publicly, once and for all:
I don’t really know.
“What are you going to do– SHOW me my clothes?!”
My friends often say that they can’t wait until I get married one day, for the sole reason that there is so much material for hilarious rehearsal dinner speeches.
But like…what are you going to do– print out and read my blog posts?
I wrote about peeing on a church. Losing a bag of cash. Refusing to wear bras. Locking myself out of my apartment naked. Growing monthly menstrual devil horns.
Sorry guys. I’m pretty sure it’s all out there.
I Need an Agent
28 weeks ago, I posted the photo below (of MY water bottle) on my Instagram. It received a whopping 8 likes.
Yesterday, @teachermisery posted my photo on THEIR Instagram:
689 likes!!!!!!!!!
I was honored and flattered that @teachermisery jacked my photo, but I couldn’t help but think “WHY DOES NO ONE LIKE ME?!?”
JK, it wasn’t that dramatic. But it WAS important enough for me to interrupt Eric at work and complain to him. And here was Positive Peter’s take:
He’s so cute when he blatantly lies to my face.
And even if his numbers WERE accurate (I didn’t do the math, I’m just assuming he was bullshitting me, it’s sort of what he does), the 300 likes more than doubled, so now the stats are way off. THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL WORSE, ERIC.
So a few things, friends:
- I need an agent. If you’re interested in doing that for exactly zero dollars, email me at emilysposts1@gmail.com
- Follow my Instagram, @emilysposts1. I used to just post screen shots of my posts but I soon learned that’s annoying, as people on Insta don’t like to read. I get it. Words are hard. Fair enough. So I’ve recently started posting more actual photos. YOU’RE WELCOME, all my friends who have complained! (so…all my friends.).
- I promise to never post a photo of a cat.
- I promise that if I break the promise in #3, it’ll be because I’m making fun of the cat.
- No, never mind. No cats. I’m firm on this.
That’s it.
Test Your Emilysposts Knowledge
If you can identify all the family members by their nicknames on this OBX wine charm assignment grid, congrats, you’ve been paying attention!
**Note: 6 are my immediate family (me, parents, my siblings). One is a brother in law. Two are significant others. One is a huge pile of dough.
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