The whole family came home to Maryland this weekend so my parents could throw a “Sip N See” for their friends.
What the hell is a Sip N See, you ask?
See my edited version of invitation below.
Tag Archives: babies
Best Guy I’ve Ever Slept With
Apparently, when the whole family goes home to Maryland for the weekend, aunthood comes with a roommate.
Ok, fine. Secretly I’m thrilled.
But this shit is NOT happening on family vacay in the Outer Banks.
The Best Solution
Later today I will be squished in the backseat of a small car with my brother and likely-to-be-cranky baby nephew for what I’m sure will be at least a 7-hour drive down to Maryland.
Luckily, I have some Ambien.
To crush up and put in the baby’s bottle.
#aunthood
Payback’s a Bitch
My nephew, figuring out how to blog so that he can get Auntie Em back for all her baby-shaming posts.
New Parents Are So Sensitive
I don’t get it– my sister and brother in law are totally fine with me calling my chubby-cheeked baby nephew “little porker” or “my little pork pie,” but the second I suggest we stick an apple in his mouth and roast him over a fire, they get all weird.
Improvised Songs I Sing To My Nephew
Bouncing my nephew on my knee, to the tune of “La Cucaracha”
“You need a cousin!
You need a cousin!
Otherwise you’ll be so very spoiled.
But that won’t happen soon
No that won’t happen soon
Unless your Auntie Em makes a big oops!”
My sister and brother-in-law laughed.
My parents, sitting beside me, did not.
It’s so weird how appreciation for accidental pregnancy jokes skips a generation.
Problems Childless People Have
That moment when your friend’s kid officially becomes too old to curse in front of, and you wonder if you have to stop being friends now.
Ladies and Gentlemen, My First Guest Blogger!
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Nothing Funnier
There’s nothing funnier than when people awkwardly fall. I do it all the time. So when my friend’s baby just did it, I burst out laughing, because she looked like a total goof.
Then the kid started wailing, and both her parents sprung out of their chairs to comfort her.
I was still laughing.
It was really funny, guys.
She just like buckled and fell sideways. Out of nowhere.
She looked like a miniature demolished building.
Timber!!!
I guess you had to be there….
I can never have kids.
Babies Are Bad At Everything
You would think having their photo taken would be the ONE thing babies would be good at, given that they are so damn cute. But let me tell you something– babies are TERRIBLE at taking a selfie. Like, shockingly bad.
I tried taking one with my nephew all night, and he would not cooperate for ANY of them. He either blocked my mouth with his little alien hands, made the “I’m totally shitting myself” face (likely because he was), gave himself six chins, or stuck out his tongue like a drunk uncle. It’s like he was purposely TRYING to take the world’s first photo that Valencia couldn’t fix.
Luckily I Magic Hour-ed that shit and managed to filter out all the drool. It doesn’t matter WHOSE drool it was, guys. The point is, I fixed it.
Because I am good at things, baby nephew. Pay attention to your Auntie Em and maybe you’ll learn some things. You know, important things. Things EVERY SINGLE Kardashian knows how to do.
On an unrelated note, I should never have children.
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