“Miss Emily, the buttons on your shirt look like nipples!” — teaching assistant, age 60.
Yes. You read that correctly. A 60 year old said this. Not a kid. But she said it IN FRONT OF the kids.
So that was great.
But the most upsetting part is that now these poor kids think THAT’s where nipples are supposed to be.
Us (to students): “So remember before all the test prep began, when we were learning about our nation’s history? Who remembers the names of the 13 colonies?”
Kid (eager and with confidence): “CANADA!”
The kid totally knows how to fill out a bubble sheet, though.
He’ll be fine.
That glorious first day after state testing is done, when you show up to work and find out you’re being pulled from your classroom to give 4 make-up state tests.
Waiting for my drink at Starbucks, a woman and her young, exasperated-and-annoyed looking child stand next to me. And immediately, all I hear is whining. “It smells in here, my drink doesn’t taste good, I need more napkins, it’s too cold in here, what is TAKING so long?” And I’m just staring at the mom with my head in my hands.
So finally, thank GOD, she gets fed up, turns around, and yells “Oh my gosh, stop whining! This is a NO WHINING ZONE. It is NOT allowed.”
And she did. The mom stopped.
So thank you, kid. You must have a fantastic Kindergarten teacher.
Me: “Make sure you are answering THE QUESTION BEING ASKED.”
Kid (extremely confident): “Oh, I did. I double checked. TRIPLE checked!”
The test question provided two fractions, one for the amount of purple marbles in a bag of 24, one for the amount of red marbles in a bag of 24. It then asked, “Are there more purple marbles or more red marbles in the bag?”
Kid’s answer: 1/4
And with that, testing season comes to a close.
Miss Emily, out.
Student: “Miss Emily, look! When I add 214 and 90, I get that the answer is still 214. But that’s not possible!”
Me: “You’re right. Not possible. So what do you think that means?”
Student (with a knowing smile): “There’s a typo on the test!”
And then I quit my job and never came back.
(part of the Ebola Mom series)
Tutoring Ebola Mom’s kid…
Kid: “My mom tried to find you on Facebook but couldn’t.”
Me: “Oh. I don’t use Facebook.”
Kid: “You don’t?”
Me: “Nope. No Facebook. No Instagram. No Internet, really. At all. Ever.”
Me: “Hey, kiddo! How’d the test go?!”
Kid: “Yes.”
That jaw-dropping moment when that student who NEVER listens in class takes his multiple choice state test and miraculously beats the odds!
In that he got 3 right. Out of 25.
That’s pretty much statistically impossible, guys!
That moment when you bang on the window with a pair of scissors during a state test to scare away the extremely distracting pigeon squawking outside, and the kids look at you like you’ve lost your fucking mind.
Because you have.
But goddamnit, if these kids are going to fail, they’re going to fail because of the test makers and absurd politics. Don’t take that away from me, pigeon.
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