All posts by Emily

Ebola Mom, Part 19

Kids/Teaching, , , , , , ,

(Continuation of Ebola Mom Part 18, and part of the Ebola Mom series)

Three things, Nanc:

1. I’m going to go ahead and NOT accept your apology.

2. Why would you admit that? WHY?! There is no logical reason to admit that. Would you like ME to admit that I think you’re an assclown? No. That benefits no one. So I’ll keep that information between me and the Internet, where it belongs.

3. Your nanny has been framing me since day one.

I hope this isn’t what everyone thinks…

Kids/Teaching, ,
Kid: “Can I tell you something funny?” 
Me: “You can tell me something. I’m very interested to see if it’ll ACTUALLY be funny.” (It never is). 
Kid: “Oh, it is. Trust me.” (I don’t) 
Me: “Ok, go for it.”
Kid: “So you know how on Star Trek, the whole idea is that they are looking for other species?”
Me: “Yes…” (No. And losing the minuscule amount of faith I had that this would be funny).
Kid: “Well, ok, so, they keep all the information in this GIANT database. And it’s basically like what google is today…”
Me: “Right…”
Kid: “Oh. Ok. I guess you didn’t think it’s funny.”
Me: “Wait you’re DONE?”
Kid: “Yeah.”
Me: “I did not realize the story was over and that the thing that was supposed to be funny was already said.”
Kid: “Man, I was SURE you’d find that funny.”
Me: “But…but…WHY?”
Kid: “I’ve studied your humor for 3 years. I know it very very very well.”

Well this is a problem. 



You’re Right, Kid. I’m Awesome. 

Kids/Teaching, ,
I pick the students up from gym: 

Kid: “Miss Emily, guess what? I can do 18 push ups!”
Me: “Wow. Impressive!”
Kid: “Yeah. Also I can do like 12 pull ups. But I’m sure that’s not impressive to you.”
Me: “Why would you say that?”
Kid: “You run marathons. You can probably do like 100 pull ups!”
Me: “Yeah. Good point. But don’t worry, you’ll get there one day too, kid!”

I can do exactly 1 pull up. Sort of. 

Weird Shit That Helps My Depression

Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , , ,

I dare you– DARE YOU– to start your day watching/listening to this clip and not be in a better mood.

Hold on to your habit– shit’s about to get joyful!!!!!

A few disclaimers:

1) I am not claiming that a song/dance routine can cure depression. If that were the case, I would have flushed my Prozac years ago and used the therapy money to buy a yacht. Well, not a yacht. Maybe a lifetime’s worth of Chipotle? Ok fine a yacht is a better investment. I just felt my dad put his head in his hands. (It’s just…then I’d have to learn how to yacht, how to take care of a yacht…just seems like a lot of work, Dad….)

2) My sharing of this clip is not a promotion of religion. I am not religious. I am certainly not Catholic. I am Jewish, remember? You must be new here.

3) Hey, remember when Lauryn Hill didn’t hate all white people? Ok, fine, that turned out to be a nasty rumor (seriously– I was curious so I Snope-d it), but it still made me sad for a few years.

4) I obviously still bought her album, screamed the lyrics to “Doo-Wop (That Thing)” and just hoped she never found out about it. Because if the rumors about her not wanting white people to sing her music were true, I was most definitely the EXACT white person she was talking about.

5) Yeah, I know. 3 and 4 aren’t really disclaimers. It’s called A.D.D., guys.