All posts by Emily

Taxi Cab Sex is the Least of My Concerns

Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , ,

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A friend just told me he read a Gawker article about the prevalence of sex in NYC taxi cabs, and he warned me to “consider the history of that seat” next time I’m in a cab.

Great. Let me add that to my list of taxi cab concerns, a list that already includes:

1. Bed bugs
2. Nausea
3. Contagious B.O. (you all saw the Seinfeld episode)
4. Accidentally leaving umbrella on cab floor
5. Fatal crash. Head detaches from body. Rolls into pothole. Resides for eternity with rats.
6. Stuck in middle of Puerto Rican Day parade. No way out.
7. Driver is actually serial killer; drives out of Manhattan without me noticing, as I’m not great at noticing things. Kills me in dark, deserted Long Island field. Dumps me on LIRR tracks. Body resides for eternity with rats.

Obviously those concerns are not listed in most-concerning order.

If that were the case, the umbrella thing would go first. That shit is the WORST.

I Didn’t Realize You Knew About That

Mental Health, , , ,

Our school math coach, a lovey man who works in our school about once a month (but who I don’t know well at all), sees me in the hall.

Him: “Oh! Hello Miss Emily! How are you doing?”

Me (sarcastically, carrying a stack of practice exams): “Oh! Just GREAT! It’s my FAVORITE time of year!”
Him: “Ah, yes. I thought about you the other day. My sister gets depressed in winter, too.”
Me: “Oh. I was referring to testing season…”
Him: “Oh. Right. Yes.” (awkward pause) “But you ARE the one who sits under that bright lamp in the winter, right?”
Me: “Yup. That’s me. Didn’t realize you knew about that…”
Him: “Ok good. I would have been embarrassed if I got the person mixed up!”
Me: “Yeah. Now, luckily, no one feels embarrassed.”

And then I walked away and hid in a hole. 




Classic Mom and Dad

Family, , , , , ,

My parents are coming to NYC this weekend to watch my baby nephew while my sister and brother-in-law are in Philly for a wedding. Steph asked if I have any friends who babysit so that Mom and Dad can go to dinner Saturday night (in true Mom and Dad fashion, they have failed to realize that they ARE the babysitters).

Me: “I don’t have any friends who babysit, but if they want to go to dinner, I’ll watch the baby for a few hours.”
Steph: “Um…I’m sure they want to go to dinner with YOU.”
Me: “Oh. Shit. I didn’t even think of that.”
Steph: <no expression whatsoever, but definitely wondering what’s wrong with me>

Cue Jewish guilt. OF COURSE they want to go to dinner with me. What kind of daughter am I?!? The WORST. That’s what kind.

Mom calls a few hours later. I try to sound casual, like I figured all along we’d have plans…

Me: “Hi! So…we’re going to dinner Saturday night?”
Mom: “What? No. Dad and I are going out with our friends.”

Maybe Let the Teachers Handle This One, Kid

Kids/Teaching,
My co-teacher and I tried to explain to Kid 1 why she should stay away from Kid 2, as whenever she goes near Kid 2, trouble brews. 

Me: “We don’t understand why you keep making the choice to put yourself in a situation that is CLEARLY not good for you.”
Co-teacher: “It’s like saying ‘Hey, that looks like a mean dog, why don’t I go put my hand in its mouth!'”
Me: “Or ‘Oh! Here’s some fire! Let me just go play with it!”
Co-teacher: “Or hey, there’s a shark over there! Let me go swim with it!”
Kid 3 (not involved in the problem but standing there and listening): “Oh! I have one! ‘Hey! Let me eat these endangered species’ eggs!'”


You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself

Kids/Teaching



I just caught a 5th grade boy crouching in the hallway behind a huge trash can, right outside the bathrooms. 


Me: “Excuse me– what are you doing?”
Kid: “Nothing…”
Me (very sternly):”How bout you be honest with me before I get even more upset?”
Kid (looking at floor): “I was hiding…”
Me: “Right. So that you could scare your friend when she comes out of the bathroom? So she’ll then scream and disrupt my ENTIRE class?”
Kid: (silent)
Me: “That’s what I thought. Go back to class. I’ll be talking to your teacher later. The hallway is not for pranks.”

And as the kid walks away, all I can think is “I can’t wait to pull that prank on my co-teacher.”