All posts by Emily

Babies Are Bad At Everything

Family, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , ,

You would think having their photo taken would be the ONE thing babies would be good at, given that they are so damn cute. But let me tell you something– babies are TERRIBLE at taking a selfie. Like, shockingly bad.

I tried taking one with my nephew all night, and he would not cooperate for ANY of them. He either blocked my mouth with his little alien hands, made the “I’m totally shitting myself” face (likely because he was), gave himself six chins, or stuck out his tongue like a drunk uncle. It’s like he was purposely TRYING to take the world’s first photo that Valencia couldn’t fix.

Luckily I Magic Hour-ed that shit and managed to filter out all the drool. It doesn’t matter WHOSE drool it was, guys. The point is, I fixed it.

Because I am good at things, baby nephew. Pay attention to your Auntie Em and maybe you’ll learn some things. You know, important things. Things EVERY SINGLE Kardashian knows how to do.

On an unrelated note, I should never have children.

Things That Don’t Help My Anxiety Disorder

Mental Health, , , , , ,

That moment when someone highly recommends the movie Still Alice, in which Julianne Moore plays a woman with early-onset Alzheimers, so you take out your phone to set a reminder for yourself to see it, but once the phone is in your hand you forget why you took it out, and five minutes later, once you remember, you REALLY. FUCKING. PANIC. 



Last Night’s Date: Male vs. Female Reviews

Dating/Single Life, Friends, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Interestingly, the general FEMALE reaction to Last Night’s Date has been two enthusiastic thumbs up (the words “marry him or I will give up on life entirely” have been used in a not-at-all dramatic fashion), while the general MALE reaction has been wholly unimpressed.

I went to dinner with my friends Gabi and Adam last night. Gabi was intiaitlly not sure, but then decided she was on Team Prankster….Adam was wholeheartedly anti.

Then this morning I received an email from a friend in California, saying that everyone in LA (and by everyone, she pretty much just meant herself) was rooting for him. I forwarded this to Gabi and Adam to prove that people are on totally on Team Prankster. Adam stood firm.

adamemail

Slow clap video referenced in email: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZHI88infeU

Report Card Routines

Kids/Teaching, , , ,

Today I am spending my entire day report card writing. They are due tonight. Yes, I have procrastinated the shit out of this task, because it’s the WORST. But also because I have a report card writing routine that works pretty well for me.

I have a pile of the students’ names. I sort them by whose parents are nice to me, or give the best gifts. Extra points are also given for being generally clean and knowing how to wipe your nose. With a TISSUE.

Those kids go at the top. Chronically late, chronically absent, and chronically attitudinal kids go at the bottom. Minus extra points if your parent has ever picked a completely unnecessary fight with me. Minus even MORE points if I’ve ever seen you lick the classroom rug, a classroom material, or your friend.

With the names sorted, I then chug my venti Starbucks and start in from the top. On a caffeine high, I merrily list all the wonderful things about each child. As the high dissipates and I get crankier, I move to the middle of the pack (the kids who need to step it up just a tad. And by kids I mean their parents.) Then, when hours have gone by, the high has become a crippling crash, and I want to gouge my eyes out from boredom, I start in on the kid whose mom shoves two Tylonel down his throat and sends him to school with a 101 fever. At the very bottom of the pile is the kid whose mom addresses me as “teacher,” because, after two years, she doesn’t know my name.

So. I’m just saying, parents. Respect your kid’s teacher. She’s a human being.

Meaning she believes in revenge.

report card