Category Archives: Family

A Golden Opportunity

Dating/Single Life, Family, , , , , , ,

This blizzard seems like the perfect opportunity to join Tinder, as it is a known fact that anything you do during a blizzard cannot be held against you in a court of public opinion about the state of your life*.

*public opinion includes family**
**family includes you, Mom***
***Someone please explain Tinder to my mom****
****You know what? Maybe don’t.*****
*****Mom– Tinder is a place where nice, rich, Jewish men go to find intelligent, head-strong, confident women who absolutely don’t NEED a man but regardless would be fine settling down with a guy who likes wine and Tina Fey and buying diamonds and going to the Breakers in Palm Beach every winter.******
******I know, it’s a weirdly specific site.

unnamed

There’s a Lesson Here

Family, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , ,

Last night at dinner with my whole family, we discussed the various reactions to my post “I Should Fucking Curse Less.” My dad said it made him feel that he should have cursed less around the house when we were young. This made me think two things: 1) If that’s your takeaway, you missed the point entirely (classic Dad) and 2) That actually does remind me of a funny story that may or may not make you feel better:

I distinctly remember, at around age 10 or 11, being on the sidelines of my soccer game (on this particular state-champ team, I was almost always on the sidelines and not in the game because….well…I sucked.).  It was a big, end-of-season game and we were tied. In the very last minute, the other team scored a goal, so I muttered (loudly) “God damnit!”

The father of another girl on my team was standing next to me and looked at me, horrified. “Excuse me?”

I looked back at him, genuinely thinking he wanted me to repeat myself, as I saw absolutely nothing wrong with what I had said. I looked him straight in the eye and said it louder, “I said ‘GOD DAMNIT.'”

“You better watch your mouth.”

“But…I did.” I replied, genuinely confused (after all, I had wanted to say “FUCK, we are SO FUCKED!”, but I kept it perfectly clean with “God damnit.”)

Again, he stared at me, clearly disgusted and assuming I had been raised by wolves. He walked away shaking his head.

That guy’s daughter went on to become a huge whore.

My Sister is My Biggest Fan

Family, ,

My mom and dad are in town, and tonight the whole family went to dinner.

Dad: “I’ve been sharing your blog posts on Facebook. The ones I really like.”
Me: “I know, thanks! I see you’ve been sharing a ton of them!”
Steph: “I’ve been sharing them, too. The ones that make me laugh.”
Me: “You’ve shared like one.”
Steph: “No, like two. The two that made me laugh.”
Me: “Great. Thanks….”
Steph: “Well, you know what I mean– the ones that make me actually laugh. Like out loud.”
Me: “This conversation in itself is going to be a post.”
Steph: “Alright. Maybe I’ll share it.”

IMG_1179-0

Unfair

Dating/Single Life, Family, ,

When I told my date last night that I am going to Florida in February, he immediately jumped to the conclusion that my parents have a second home there. He literally just assumed that because I am a Jewish girl from the east coast, my family MUST have a house in Florida. And that really pissed me off.

Because why DON’T we have a house in Florida, Mom and Dad?

2015/01/img_1179-01.png

An Open Letter to Someecards

Family, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , ,

Dear Someecards,

WTF, guys? Look, I’ve always been a huge fan. Love your cards, and send them to everyone I know, for all occasions, no matter how seemingly inappropriate (most recent lesson learned: Death of a beloved pet = never funny. Friend getting dumped = only sometimes funny, with the right drugs on hand).

So I went to your online store, knowing you’d have some hilarious gift options for my 6-week-old nephew, who is the the cutest damn thing in the world but who also does some pretty weird shit, such as not understand English and constantly piss himself. I knew if anyone would understand how selfish and absurd babies are, it’d be you guys. And I was right! Your website gave me several baby-shaming options, right down to “I totally wrecked a vagina” (which I came thisclose to ordering, but my sister’s sense of humor has its limits, in that it barely exists.)

But there was one that was just freakin PERFECT, because, as much as my sister loves being a mom and loves that little chicken mcnugget, she mutters the words “Being a lawyer is so much easier than taking care of an infant” at a rate of 3 times per minute whenever I’m there. So when I saw the onesie that read “I make Daddy look forward to going into the office,” I thought, “Oh! Perfect! I just need the Mommy version!”

But there is no Mommy version. So I thought, “Oh, ok, this is weird. Maybe someecards just doesn’t have anyone on staff who is a woman. Or knows a woman. Or has existed in society in the past 50 years. Or lives in America. Or has heard of America.” But then I perused your “Somewhat Topical,” section, and this everyone-at-someecards-is-living-under-a-boulder-or-maybe-in-Afghanistan theory didn’t quite add up, as I see you have already printed cards about the Selma Oscar snub, Fifty Shades of Grey the Movie, and even a hilarious depiction of someone getting killed by traffic while crossing the street and checking their iPhone (totally going to happen to me one day, so I’m glad people will have a card to send to my mother).

Anyway, I’m not saying I’m going to protest your site or anything, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed. I count on you guys to be spot-on in your depictions of our ridiculous, fucked-up, asinine society. So let me be the first to clue you in: in our ridiculous, fucked-up, asinine society– women work.

Thanks for listening,
Emily (a woman who works, and who plans to work when she has kids one day, and who plans to be just as excited as her husband to get away from said kids– so get that Mommy-in-the-workplace shit made before then. You probably have a while.)

#someecards

My Mom Has the Utmost Confidence in Me

Dating/Single Life, Family, , , ,

My mom is in town for the week, and last night the whole family got together for dinner:

Mom: “What are your plans tomorrow?”
Me: “I have a date. A first date.”
Brother-in-law: “Where are you going?”
Me: “I forgot the name. It’s a place I’ve never been to before.”
Brother-in-law: “You should try this place The Jeffrey. They have really good drinks. I think it’s expensive though, so maybe save it for a 3rd date.”
Mom: “Yeah, if she makes it that far.”

IMG_1179