Category Archives: Kids/Teaching

Well, Yeah, Kid– Every Girl Loves a Blowjob

February 26, 2015Kids/Teachingblow jobs, kids, misunderstandings, teaching, tutoringEmily

Kid: “Someone wrote ‘blowjob’ on a clipboard in school today.”
Me (deer in headlights): “What?! Oh my…”
Kid: “My teacher was SO mad.”
Me: “I’ll bet she was. Did she find out who did it?”
Kid: “No. So she just yelled at the whole class.”
Me: “Yikes…what did she say?” (I had to know)
Kid: “She was like ‘clipboards are for school work, not for writing about your day at the hair salon!'”
Me: “Umm…what?”
Kid: “Like you can write about Colonial America or fractions but not about your blowjob at the hair salon!”
Me (slowly getting it): “Right…yes…when you get your hair BLOWN OUT at the hair salon…of course…”
Kid: “Yeah.”
(long pause, starts to take out her homework)
Kid: “My mom LOVES getting blowjobs.”

Kids Are Literal

February 26, 2015Kids/Teachingkids, literal, teacher problems, teachingEmily

After reading the fable “Why the Bear Has a Short Tail,” a story about a bear who constantly bragged about his long, beautiful tail and then ended up losing it…

Me: “So what’s the lesson in this story?”
Kid: “Do not brag about your tail, or an otter will trick you and your tail will end up freezing off in a giant ice pond.”
Me: “Ok, but I mean the BROADER lesson.”
Kid: “What do you mean, broader?”
Me: “Like a lesson that a human could apply to his or her life.”
Kid (thinks for a second): “If you’re a human, and you have a tail, do not brag about your tail, or an otter will trick you and your tail will end up freezing off in a giant ice pond.”

(Sits back, crosses arms, completely satisfied with self)

I Don’t Know How To Help You With That

February 25, 2015Kids/Teachingkids, misunderstandings, teacher problems, teachingEmily

While walking the class down the stairs for dismissal, I hear a kid (who I assumed was a boy, as boys and girls at this age sound exactly the same) scream from a flight below me:

Kid: “Miss Emily!!! Help! My balls are stuck to my instrument!”

Words cannot express the amount of relief I felt when I saw what the kid actually needed help with.

Dear Parents Everywhere

February 25, 2015Kids/Teachingkids, parenting, teachingEmily

We will teach your children how to multiply and divide if you teach them how to pee in the toilet. Deal? IN the toilet.

Thanks,

Teachers Everywhere

Vintage

February 24, 2015Kids/TeachingFeeling old, honesty, kids, teaching, vintage twinEmily

I wear this shirt to school all the time, so the kids are well aware that I know “The Vintage Twin” owners (who are, in fact, twins).

Kid: “But what does vintage mean?”
Me: “It means old. But valuable.”
Kid: “So the twins are old people?”
Me (laughing): “They’re 24!”
Kid (wide eyed): “Yikes– that IS old!”

And then I cried into my emoji sweatshirt.

Ebola Mom, Part 14

February 23, 2015Kids/Teachingebola, ebola mom, kids, parenting, tutoring, ues, ues parentsEmily

(Part of the Ebola Mom series)

Tutoring Ebola Mom’s kid…

Kid: “We went to Vermont over break.”
Me: “Oh, how lovely!”
Kid: “Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t bring you back anything.”
Me: “Don’t be silly, you don’t need to get me anything!”
Kid: “Yeah that’s what my mom said.”
Me: “Oh did she?”
Kid: “Yeah. Because, like…you’re not my REAL teacher.”
Me: “Ah. Ok…”
Kid: “And she pays you enough as it is.”

So….No.

February 23, 2015Kids/Teachingkids, teachingEmily

We asked the kids to choose a song and interpret its meaning.

“This song is about friendship.”– boy, age 9

Moms Have It So Easy

February 21, 2015Family, Kids/Teachingaunt, babies, babysitting, family, family dynamics, momhood, nephew, new momsEmily

My sister and new-mom friends are always saying that caring for an infant is difficult and exhausting, and honestly, I’m finding that really hard to believe. Steph left me in charge of my baby nephew for the day. I’ve been here for over two hours with him, and it’s been an absolute DREAM. He’s just hanging out here, right next to me, acting like a perfect angel as I’ve gone about my business, doing whatever it is I’d normally do– eating, texting, watching tv, blogging, reading my kindle. So stop your bitching, moms everywhere. This is not hard.

Oh shit. He just woke up. WHAT DO I DO?!?

Complaints That Are Unjustified

February 20, 2015Kids/Teaching, Random Thoughts/Happeningsdramatic, flights, kids, planes, travelEmily

Look, I’m all about complaining, especially when it comes to travel. I’ve had my fair share of annoying experiences, ranging from pilots having caffeine withdrawal to kids constantly asking if they can have one of whatever candy I’m eating (the answer, for the record, is always no, unless you’ll be satisfied with the yellow flavor, which you NEVER. ARE.)

But I’m sitting here on this flight, taking off on time, plenty of overhead space and legroom. Despite the fact that I am heading back to the frozen tundra death trap of despair and crushed dreams, things are good. There are plenty of kids on the flight, but so far everyone is lovey and well-behaved.

Enter dramatic, exasperated, head-to-toe-in-Vinyard-Vines passenger. This guy is actually wearing full blown foundation and what I’m fairly certain is mascara. He sits down in the row across from me, takes one look at the row behind him, and, in the rudest, most unnecessarily put-upon fashion, sighs and exclaims, “EVERY time I fly, there are children on the plane. EVERY TIME! Just my luck!”

Ok, man. Relax. You’re not allowed to be annoyed by the sheer fact that children exist on this plane. Children make up a fairly large part of the population, and if you think you’re going to get on a 200-person plane and not encounter any, you’re about as delusional as I was this morning when I considered faking Ebola symptoms in order to not have to fly back to NY. This is a plane, not a cocktail bar on a Saturday night. Children (even babies!) are allowed to be here. Furthermore, you’re on a 12:05pm Delta flight from West Palm Beach during a school vacation, not a chopper stealthily escaping war-torn Afghanistan in the middle of the night. That is pretty much the only flight situation I can think of that might have a chance of not involving children.

So relax, man. These kids are being lovely.

In the meantime, keep eating your heavily spiced Mexican food in this cramped, confined spice before they’ve turned on the AC. Because that’s FAR less offensive and avoidable than the existence of kids.

P.S. When these kids start pissing me off, I’m totally on your side.

I Will NOT Be Your Guest, Kid

February 15, 2015Kids/Teaching, Random Thoughts/Happeningskids, teaching, travelEmily

I made the mistake of letting the chatty lady next to me on this 5-hour bus ride, sitting with her son (who was sleeping at the time), know that I’m a teacher. Since then, her son has woken up and proved himself to be the WORST. He seems to have mistaken this charter bus for a Broadway stage, and himself for Nathan Lane in The Birdcage. But louder and more dramatic.

The mom, inexplicably, is amused by this, despite the fact that everyone else on the bus is undoubtedly plotting the child’s murder. Or her murder. Or mass murder. The guy across from me has turned up the volume on his iPod full blast. The woman next to him appears to be praying to Allah. The man in front of me seems to have just given up on enjoying this ride, and possibly on life entirely.

The mom smiles at me. “You’re a teacher. You must love kids.”
Me: “Sure do.”

From 8-3pm. On a work day. When they are under MY control.

Your song-screaming child, in this moment, is, make no mistake, my worst nightmare. Never again will I be able to enjoy Beauty and the Beast. Or music in general. All sounds, really.

So, no, kid. I will NOT be your guest. Do you hear me? Neither will that guy, or that lady, or that old man. NO ONE HERE WANTS TO BE YOUR GUEST.

You may also NOT have one of my skittles. So don’t ask again.

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