My nephew is staring, bewildered, wondering who this nice Mexican lady is who has come to babysit him today.
It’s me.
#tootan
Category Archives: Random Thoughts/Happenings
Oh Good. I’m Back Here.
The NBC evening news just did a segment recommending activities for people who are looking to escape the miserable cold. Their top suggestion? An open-oven pizza place in Hoboken.
Cool idea! Let me drag myself out from under these blankets, pile on 7 layers of clothing (including a separate coat JUST FOR MY HEAD), acquire some frostbite in the city wind tunnels, feel the wind-and-sadness-induced tears turn to ice as I wait for delayed subways, ride 3 different lines of public transportation filled with unbathed homeless men looking to escape mother nature’s most recent bout of PMS, all so that I can go grab a slice of pizza IN NEW JERSEY.
It’s official. I’m not getting off this couch until spring.
Complaints That Are Unjustified
Look, I’m all about complaining, especially when it comes to travel. I’ve had my fair share of annoying experiences, ranging from pilots having caffeine withdrawal to kids constantly asking if they can have one of whatever candy I’m eating (the answer, for the record, is always no, unless you’ll be satisfied with the yellow flavor, which you NEVER. ARE.)
But I’m sitting here on this flight, taking off on time, plenty of overhead space and legroom. Despite the fact that I am heading back to the frozen tundra death trap of despair and crushed dreams, things are good. There are plenty of kids on the flight, but so far everyone is lovey and well-behaved.
Enter dramatic, exasperated, head-to-toe-in-Vinyard-Vines passenger. This guy is actually wearing full blown foundation and what I’m fairly certain is mascara. He sits down in the row across from me, takes one look at the row behind him, and, in the rudest, most unnecessarily put-upon fashion, sighs and exclaims, “EVERY time I fly, there are children on the plane. EVERY TIME! Just my luck!”
Ok, man. Relax. You’re not allowed to be annoyed by the sheer fact that children exist on this plane. Children make up a fairly large part of the population, and if you think you’re going to get on a 200-person plane and not encounter any, you’re about as delusional as I was this morning when I considered faking Ebola symptoms in order to not have to fly back to NY. This is a plane, not a cocktail bar on a Saturday night. Children (even babies!) are allowed to be here. Furthermore, you’re on a 12:05pm Delta flight from West Palm Beach during a school vacation, not a chopper stealthily escaping war-torn Afghanistan in the middle of the night. That is pretty much the only flight situation I can think of that might have a chance of not involving children.
So relax, man. These kids are being lovely.
In the meantime, keep eating your heavily spiced Mexican food in this cramped, confined spice before they’ve turned on the AC. Because that’s FAR less offensive and avoidable than the existence of kids.
P.S. When these kids start pissing me off, I’m totally on your side.
Things I Tell Myself So I’ll Actually Board the Plane
It’s important to leave Florida and go back to NYC in the dead of winter because waking up every morning and thinking “Life is good!” is really no way to live. And honestly, my brain just gets tired from being so positive. It was truly exhausting being that happy for 5 days. I don’t know how people down here do it all the time.
Also, my Seasonal Affective Disorder makes me an interesting, dynamic person of substance. Winter misery and despair is part of who I am and I am proud.
*typed from the West Palm Beach Airport while clutching a duty-free wine and sobbing into a bag of Combos.
Things You Wear In Florida When You Have Seasonal Affective Disorder
It’s 53 degrees. The hedge-trimmer just offered me his fleece.
Lunch
I was only supposed to be in Florida through this morning, but because of a flight cancellation, my trip is now extended through tomorrow. My gracious hosts weren’t planning on having me here for today, and they had to go into work. They were VERY concerned about what I was going to do for lunch, which was sweet, but come on guys, I’m 32 years old, I’m pretty sure I know how to fix myself a meal.
To be clear, the apple is decorative.
This Is It, Guys!
I’ve made it!
Thank You, Florida
For reminding me that wherever I go, my hair will always be Jewish.
Point Taken
Yesterday, my aunt sent me the following email:
The article talks about a woman who sent out one racist tweet, and her life was completely ruined. She was cyber-bullied, lost her job, and essentially lost her entire identity and any sense of credibility as a decent human being. The article gives other examples of people whose lives were completely destroyed in the name of one joke-gone-wrong on the Internet.
So, yeah, I get it Aunt Sherry– “THESE people got famous with ONE tweet. Step up your game, Em!”
Harsh but fine. Point taken. Currently scripting world’s funniest Underground Railroad-meets-Holocaust tweet.
Keep the helpful feedback comin’, family!
Boca Raton vs. NYC: A Runner’s Perspective
On my daily morning run here in sunny Boca Raton, Florida, I couldn’t hep but compare the contrasting aspects of my exercise routine down here vs. in NYC. Let’s look at these three categories:
1. Wildlife (aka Running Buddies) 
2. Road blocks: Sometimes on a run, things block your path…..
3. Scenery as you leave your home and begin your run
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