“Congratulations, you’re white!”
— TSA agent, thus ending my Global Entry “interview,” which lasted 10 seconds and literally consisted of me sitting down, saying “Hello,” and her responding with that one line.
(Ok, maybe it was “Congratulations, you’ve been pre-approved!” But I heard what I heard.)
The airline announces that they will now board all people with disabilities…
Me: “Does your diabetes count as a disability for travel?”
Eric: “Ummm no.”
Me: “Well, it should.”
Eric: “Does your mental illness count as a disability for travel?”
Me: “No. But you have a meter and insulin to prove your disability. I have nothing to prove mine.”
Eric: “They could spend 15 minutes with you.”
Eric’s flight (to Georgia, not Florida. Apparently.) was delayed yesterday.
It wasn’t. Eric has spent 32 years on earth thinking that airplanes sit on a mat of tar before takeoff.
If you’re flying internationally, and your flight is at 6:30am, you should do what Eric and I just did, which is arrive at the airport at 5:50am.
Only do that if you want to miss your flight, though.
If you want to be a normal human and make your flight, leave some time.
We are idiots.
(Don’t worry. We’re on the next flight, at 7:55am. And we got to dine at the Cibo Express! 👍)
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
First time tutoring Ebola Mom’s kid since last school year…
Me: “Hey kiddo! How was your trip to Europe?”
Kid: “So good! We stayed in REALLY fancy hotels! I had to wear a fancy dress to dinner EVERY night!”
Me: “Oooh, how nice!”
Kid: “Yeah. And I got you a present!”
Me: “You did?! Aw, you shouldn’t have.”
Kid hands me this:
Me (trying to hide my what-the-fuckness): “Oh, M&Ms!”
Kid: “My mom said I could only spend $2.”
Me: “Ok, well. That makes sense. What with the cost of the fancy hotels and all…”
Kid: “Yeah. So I wanted to get something nicer but I could only get candy.”
Me: “Well, they’re M&Ms all the way from Europe, so they must be special!”
Kid: “Actually I got them at the airport.”
Me: “That’s still Europe!”
Kid: “JFK Airport.”
Don’t fucking tell me what to do, M&Ms.
They say it’s important to visit a third world country– ANY third world country– in order to gain perspective and appreciate what you have. So here I am in Laguardia airport.
This has to count.
When I flew to Israel 2 years ago and went through the VERY intense security check, I was irrationally intimidated by the seriousness with which the Israeli man questioned me. So I did what I always do when I’m uncomfortable– I got sarcastic.
Security: “Are you jewish?”
Security: “Do you have a hebrew name?”
Security: “What is your hebrew name?”
Security: “Where did you get this name from?”
Me: “I don’t know…God?”
He did not smile. At all. In fact, there was a 10 second period where I was certain he was not going to let me on the plane.
So tonight when I go through the Israeli security, I will not be making that mistake again.
This time, I’ll give a wink after the sarcastic comment. Maybe even a friendly little “jk” punch to his shoulder.
Because I think the problem is that last time, he just missed the joke.
Which is ok.
Not everyone can be as smart as Americans.
“No. It doesn’t.”
— airport security, when they pulled a bottled water out of my bag and I remarked “Oops, forgot that was in there! I’m sure that happens all the time.”
It’s important to leave Florida and go back to NYC in the dead of winter because waking up every morning and thinking “Life is good!” is really no way to live. And honestly, my brain just gets tired from being so positive. It was truly exhausting being that happy for 5 days. I don’t know how people down here do it all the time.
Also, my Seasonal Affective Disorder makes me an interesting, dynamic person of substance. Winter misery and despair is part of who I am and I am proud.
*typed from the West Palm Beach Airport while clutching a duty-free wine and sobbing into a bag of Combos.