Tag Archives: awkward

Conversations Everyone Wants to Have During a Goodnight Kiss

Guy: “Do you have gum in your mouth AGAIN?”
Me: “Oh. Yeah. I’m an after-dinner gum chewer. Force of habit.”
Guy: “Well would you mind spitting it out?”
Me: “Sure. Sorry. Is it distracting?”
Guy: “No. It’s disgusting.”

Oh.

The First Time I Saw A Grown Man’s Penis

Remember that first time you saw a grown man’s penis? Remember how the sight of it caught you COMPLETELY off guard? And remember how it wasn’t just one penis, it was about 25 penises at once? Mere inches from your face? Flopping around to a catchy, upbeat musical jam? And you were 10?

Oh, ok, so your mother DIDN’T take you to see the Broadway musical Hair when you were in 5th grade.

Well. Lucky you.

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I Thought You Just Wanted to Know How I Felt About Goldfish

Just now, at the gym, a woman who worked there approached me, toddler in her arms, and asked, “It’s ok to give him goldfish, right?” I looked at the toddler, looked back at the woman, and, confused, tentatively answered, “Um…sure?” She laughed and asked, “You’re sure?” and I said, “Yeah, why not? Kids love goldfish. Everyone loves goldfish!” She smiled, said, “Ok, great!” and walked away.

20 minutes later, this woman approached me again (sans kid)….

Woman: “Why didn’t you tell me he wasn’t your kid?”
Me: “Um, I didn’t realize you THOUGHT he was my kid.”
Woman: “Why else would I ask you if he could eat goldfish?!”
Me: “I don’t know, I thought you were just looking for the genuine opinion of a complete stranger!”
Woman: “You didn’t think that was weird?”
Me: “Of course I did– but this is New York! Everyone is weird!”
Woman: “Yeah but that would be REALLY weird.”
Me: “You’re right…I guess I’m really weird for not realizing how weird it was…”

It turns out I happened to look like the woman who had dropped this kid off at the babysitting center in the gym, so when the gym babysitter had a question about the kid’s diet, she asked me, thinking I was the mom. When she told me this, I found it pretty amusing, so I started laughing and said, “Oh well– hope it was ok that you gave him goldfish!”

Woman (unamused): “It wasn’t.”

Oh.

I stopped laughing.