Just watched this scene unfold.
Barista: “Your name, ma’am?”
Customer: “Robin. Like the bird.”
Barista (smiling): “Got it.”
Cup is served. Spelling: “Robynne.”
Customer (picking up cup, muttering to self): “Fucking idiot.”
So now the question becomes, who is the worse human– the barista or the customer?
At least it’s Monday.
Sassy: “You have date this week?”
Me: “Yes, on Tuesday.”
Sassy: “Then you get eyebrow wax today.”
Me: “No thank you.”
Sassy: <shrugs>
(long silent pause as she files my nails)
Sassy: “No wax is big mistake.”
Discussing the teaching artist coming to our classroom today, whom we met a few months ago.
Me: “I don’t even remember what he looks like– do you?”
Coteacher: “Yes. Brooklyn.”
He has a beard.
(Related to The NYC Effect)
Last night I had a dream that my whole apartment caught fire. I woke up this morning to my smoke detector beeping low battery.
The former, Maryland-born me: “Wow, I’m so lucky! That beeping went off during my sleep and caused a dream about fire as a warning that I could be in danger, so I should change the battery ASAP. I’ll do that first thing today. Thanks for looking out for me, Universe!”
Me after 2 years in NYC: “Well that was annoying. Guess I should change the battery, though.”
Me after 5 years in NYC: “I am going to smash that thing in with a baseball bat so that it never fucks with my sleep again.”
Me this morning: <actual maniacal smashing of smoke detector, followed by spitting on it>
That moment when you bang on the window with a pair of scissors during a state test to scare away the extremely distracting pigeon squawking outside, and the kids look at you like you’ve lost your fucking mind.
Because you have.
But goddamnit, if these kids are going to fail, they’re going to fail because of the test makers and absurd politics. Don’t take that away from me, pigeon.
Active Minds is an INCREDIBLE organization that is changing the conversation about mental health, preventing suicide, and SAVING LIVES (they helped save mine, as I describe in my post That Time When Nothing Was Funny).
They’re having a kick-ass Casino Night event in NYC on June 10th to raise money and awareness for the mental health cause. Fun, drinks, food, prizes, great crowd and LOCAL CELEBRITIES!*
*Local celebrities** = me
**term “local celebrity” open to interpretation***
***I feel like this is misleading. No celebrities will be there. I will be, though.
CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS AND TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ACTIVE MINDS!
Last night I had a wild night of Chinese-food-ordering with my sister and brother-in-law. We tried a new place called Pig Heaven, for no other reason than it is called Pig Heaven (ok, we heard they had good ribs. But that’s clearly secondary to the name.)
Steph was super excited (re: she sort of half-smiled) about the roast duck entrée which, of course, as any good Jew on Passover knows, can only be eaten with flour pancakes…from a place called PIG HEAVEN. (side note: is it still Passover? I rely on my non-jewish friends to tell me this, in the same way they text me “Happy Hanukkah” and I get all excited because “It’s Hanukkah?!?”)
Anyway, we put in the order, and when it arrived, we got this note, written in the most perfectly stereotypical broken English:
In case you missed that– 80 CENTS. The pancake was 80 CENTS. But Steph’s phone died so they couldn’t reach her to tell her that. Instead, they went out of their way to reject our request, all in the name of 80 cents, even though I’m fairly certain that the time/resources used to carry out said rejection (pen, ink, paper, transliteration, calling phone, googling how to spell “cuz”) came out to at least a dollar.
So if you live on the upper east side in NYC, please join us in boycotting this establishment (at least until the next time we’re craving ribs. Those were fucking delicious.)
My cab driver didn’t say one damn word to me during the entire 40 minute ride from JFK to my apartment.
200 points NYC.
Final score: LA 581; NYC 354
(In case you’re unfamiliar with this game, which is played every time I visit LA, Spoiler Alert– NYC never wins. We have piles of garbage on our streets, guys. We’re disgusting.)
“I’ve been reading your blog all week and you know what? Fuck you.”
— New York, to me.
#homesweethome
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