You all already know how I feel about childhood photos on dating profiles. But this one, paired with the “about” section, is truly classic.
How do you not see that this is creepy, Matt D?!
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Last Night’s 4th Grade Band Performance
Kid (to my co teacher and me, as she exits the stage after the performance): “That was horrible!”
Us: “What?! Stop! Don’t say that! It was wonderful! You were great!”
It really was fucking awful.
It Wasn’t
That moment this morning when you knew you’d be at school til 8:00pm, so you quickly grabbed a toothbrush and what you THOUGHT was a tube of travel toothpaste.
But it wasn’t.
(I swear it’s for the cat.)
That’s What I Thought
“About 8 or 9.”
–kid, when she told me her mom is turning 30 this week, and I asked her how many years in a row mom has turned 30
The Worst That Can Happen
Kid: “I’m really glad you’re coming to the band concert tonight because I am REALLY nervous.”
Me: “Aw, there’s nothing to worry about. Really, what’s the WORST that can happen?”
Kid: “Well, I could drop my clarinet in the middle of the song, it could crash into pieces, everyone would stare, the song would stop, I’d have to pay for the instrument, the concert would be ruined and it would be all my fault.”
(long pause)
Me: “Yeah. That’d be bad.”
#june
Come on, David
You get ONE shot at this, man. 
Way to be all-inclusive, DOE
I would like to thank the NYC Dept of Education student-survey-makers for putting me in the position where I had to answer this question from a kid:
“Miss Emily, for number 30– what does ‘other’ mean?”
Thank You, Administration
I had a meeting with administration and the guardian of one of my students (mom couldn’t make it, so an older brother was coming in her place). I enter the main office for the meeting.
Administration: “Jon’s brother is outside in the hall. You can get him and tell him to come in.”
Me: “That guy sitting out there? That’s not the brother I met before.”
Administration: “Oh, well it must be a different brother. But it’s definitely one of Jon’s brothers.”
Me (trusting they know something I don’t): “Oh, ok.”
(walk out to hall, extend my hand to young man waiting in chair)
Me: “Hi! I’m Emily, Jon’s teacher. It’s nice to meet you.”
Nope. Not Jon’s brother.
Just a completely unrelated black guy.
Why IS this?
Me: “I’ve been REALLY anxious lately.”
Therapist: “Ok, take a deep breath.”
Me: <Do so. Instantly feel calmer.>
————————-
Me: “I’ve been REALLY anxious lately.”
Friend/peer who also gets anxiety: “Ok, take a deep breath.”
Me: <Do so. Instantly feel calmer.>
————————–
Me: “I’ve been REALLY anxious lately.”
Anyone besides the above: “Ok, take a deep breath.”
Me: “DON’T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”
Truths Teachers Know
It is becoming increasingly apparent (based on the shocked, disapproving reactions of my non-teacher friends when I use the term) that you have to actually work with children all day every day to be able to appreciate the fact that some of them are, in fact, dicks.
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