Or someone I should stay far, far away from, as the combination would be would be harmful both to ourselves and society at large.
Category Archives: Dating/Single Life
This Fit Once
That moment last weekend when you begrudgingly put on that ring your ex-boyfriend bought you, because you had a fancy event and it’s the only nice ring you own. That subsequent moment, 3 days later when you STILL can’t get it off your finger because oops, you got fatter since that relationship.
So what I’m trying to say is, it’s time for someone to buy me a really nice ring that fits, Dad.
Also I might have to saw my finger off.
This Fresh Prince, Part 3
(Continuation of emoji-loving This Fresh Prince mini-series)
That moment when you lose patience and simply force someone to ask you out.
This Guy Who Knows What He’s Looking For…
His mother.
This Guy Who Needn’t Say Another Word
And then I asked him to marry me.
First Date Surprises (Not the Good Kind)
I’m out on a first date with a nice Jewish boy. Works at a bank, speaks fondly of his parents, and is dressed in the standard crisp long-sleeved-button-down jewniform, just like our ancestors in the land of Egypt envisioned. Clean shaven, polite, no red flags waving wildly in the wind.
About 10 minutes into the date, he asks me if I’m religious. I laugh and reply no. Yes, I am Jewish and yes I appreciate and respect the cultural and historical aspects of Judaism, but I do not consider myself to be a religious person at all.
“Ok, good,” he replies. And then he rolls up the cuff of the shirt his Bubbe clearly picked out for him to revel an entire wrist-to-shoulder tattoo sleeve. Not just a tattoo, guys. Not a sweet tiny tribute to his overbearing but well-meaning mom, deceased Holocaust-surviving Zayde, or beloved childhood pet. A tattoo sleeve.
This thing was HUGE. And intricate. And wildly colorful. I’m talking enormous, bright red koi fish. So many koi fish. There is no circumstance in which this many koi fish should ever share this small a space. It’s just too much. I prefer my koi fish to be sparse and unobtrusive– you know, where you really have to search and be patient if you want to catch them swimming by in that indoor mall fountain.
The design had not one gap. It was a thorough sleeve of glaring, bright ink. Like this (but, you know– ON AN ARM):
My eyes grew wide. I don’t have the best game face.
Me: “Umm…oh! That’s…oh.”
Him: “I thought you said you weren’t religious.”
Me: “Right…”
Him: “I knew it. You ARE religious.”
Me: “No no no…not religious.”
Judgmental.
This Guy Whose Request I Am Certain I Can Fulfill
Today’s match on Coffee Meets Bagel requests the following:
So, therefore:
$100 says that after the first laugh, he’ll be totally smitten.
Then, after the second or third laugh, he’ll be terrified.
Girls are only allowed to be so funny.
Thanks, Lady
Last night at parent/teacher conferences, a parent told us that this summer, her family is moving to another state. We were sad to hear this, as we really like this family.
Us: “Well, be sure to keep in touch.”
Mom: “Of course. And if you two ever find yourselves in our area, please visit!”
Us: “We just might!”
Mom: “And call us if you ever need advice down the road…(looks at my co-teacher, who is engaged)…like if you decide to have kids one day (looks at me)…or a pet.”
Always Be Honest With Your Dating App, Part 10
(Part of the Always Be Honest With Your Dating App series)
I’m Making My Therapist’s Life Very Hard
That moment when your therapist starts referring to the men in your life by number, because they all have the same goddamn jewish name and she can’t keep track.
“Can’t you date a Dennis?”
“I’m sorry– a Dennis?!”
“Ok. That was a bad example.”
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