(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Pregnancy hormones unleashed my usually-contained snark, but seriously wtf is happening right now.
Advertisements
Category Archives: Kids/Teaching
Remind Me to Thank Your Dad
Finishing a math lesson with a 5 year old….
Me: “Any questions?”
Kid: “Yeah. When that baby comes out of your vagina, is it going to hurt?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Kid: “Babies come out of vaginas, you know. My dad told me when I asked him how your baby was going to get out of you. He said it would come out of your vagina.”
Me: “Well, remind me to thank your dad. But what I meant was, do you have any MATH questions.”
Kid: “Ummmm…let me think.”
Me: “We just did a whole lesson about how to tell time and read a calendar. Do you have questions about THAT?”
(long pause)
Kid: “Oh! Yes. How many days on the calendar…”
Me: “Ok, that’s better…”
Kid: “…until that baby comes out of your vagina?”
I Held My Ground
I wish I could blame this on pregnancy hormones, but no. This shit drives me nuts.
I Still Think It Was Me
Working with a kid who never pays attention to anything I say, ever.
Me: “I noticed you are extremely focused today. I love it!”
Kid: “Yeah well I realized that you are really smart and have a lot to teach me, and I should really listen to you because you’re a great teacher.”
Me: “Really? So all this focus is because of ME? You just woke up and suddenly realized I’m great?!”
Kid: “Yeah. Is that so crazy? I’m going to listen from now on, because you helped me see that’s important.”
Me (tearing up): “Wow, I just never knew I could have that kind of influence on you. It just goes to show that having one positive role model can really change–
Kid: “Oh and I started taking Ritalin. So maybe that’s also it.”
Ebola Mom, Part 79
(Part of the Ebola Mom series )
On Monday I sent an email to all my clients letting them know I am pregnant, and giving them a heads up about my planned maternity leave in the fall. Every single one of them responded with congratulations and well-wishes, except for Ebola Mom, who did not respond at all.
And just now I received this:
This is Why I Teach Elementary School
I normally only tutor grades PreK-5, but I have one 7th grader who I’ve been with for years, and who is far too wise for her age.
Kid (watching me eat my standard pregnancy-nausea Saltines from a plastic baggie): “You’ve been snacking a lot during our sessions lately.”
Me: “Oh. Yes. I know. I’m sorry, I hope it’s not distracting. I just…I’m taking a vitamin and it makes me a little sick if I don’t eat.”
Kid (looking me up and down skeptically): “Mmmm hmmm.”
Me (closing my sweater self-consciously): “It’s true.”
Kid: “You look more tired, too. And last week you brought the wrong folder.”
Me: “It’s the vitamins. They make me tired. And forgetful. They have lots of side effects.”
Kid (rolling eyes): “Ok. Just remember– I’m 13. I know things. I watch a lot of TV.”
Me: “Ok, well, I’d appreciate if–”
Kid: “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Kid: “….that you’re smoking pot.”
Even Better
Me: “Soooo…what’s this stuck to your homework? Looks like a chewed up snack of some sort?”
Kid: “Ewwwww no!”
Me: “Ok, phew.”
Kid: “It’s a booger.”
It’s Been This Kind of Day
This Mom Nailed It
Me: “So today we are going to read this biography about Barack Obama.”
Kid: “Oh! That’s my Dad’s Christmas dinner guest!”
Me: “Um…explain.”
Kid: “So every year everyone in my family decides who we would invite to our Christmas dinner that year, if we could invite anyone in the world. My dad chose Barack Obama.”
Me: “Oh, I love that! And who did YOU choose?”
Kid: “Taylor Swift.”
Me: “Also a good one. And your Mom?”
Kid: “She chose ‘any black female voter from Alabama.'”
Me: 
Kid: “Yeah I didn’t really get it.”
The Defense Does NOT Hold Water
Me: “Did you do your homework?”
Kid: “No, I didn’t have time. With Christmas and all.”
Me: “Christmas is still 2 weeks away.”
Kid: “I know, but like. There’s a LOT that goes into Christmas, you know? There’s a lot of stuff that leads up to it. It’s not just like you’re busy on that ONE day.”
Me: “I guess…”
(15 minutes later)
Me: “So what IS your family doing for Christmas?”
Kid: “Oh, my family? Nothing. We’re Jewish.”
