(part of the #june series)
Kid: “Why do we have to–”
Me: “No. Stop it.”
#june
Tag Archives: kids
Chicken or Fish?
School lunch. Paging Michelle Obama.
Ebola Mom, Part 38
So Many Children to Manage
While playing a math game in partnerships…
“Miss Emily!!! <screaming and maniacally waving hands> My partner is cheating!!!!”
–my classroom paraprofessional, age 60.
Her partner is 10.
She was dead serious. I literally had to help resolve the matter.
This school year needs to end.
Upper East Side Math
We asked kids to write their own division problems. Here’s what one kid wrote:
“There are 265 gift certificates to eat at Daniel. 12 kids in 4th grade split the certificates equally. How many gift certificates to Daniel will each kid get?”
This is Daniel.
I’ve never been.
I can’t afford it.
Things I Should Learn Before Having Kids
Sang some nursery rhymes to my baby nephew last night…
Me: “Patty cake, patty cake, baker’s man….bake me a cake as fast as you can….rollllllllllll it….
(long, confused pause)
Me: “Do something elllllllllse to it….”
Brother in law: “Pat it! You gotta PAT it!”
Yeah, well, fuck this. Auntie Em doesn’t bake.
Responsible Choices
Kid: “I’m really tired.”
Me: “Did you eat breakfast?”
Kid: “Yeah I had a donut.”
Me: “Well I’m not sure that was the most responsible choice, now was it?”
Last night I ate delivery-ordered mozzerella sticks that for some reason arrived completely hollow, so we scooped cheese off a slice of pizza and shoved it inside the empty fried sticks. That was dinner.
But seriously– a donut? Get it together, kid.
Is that even an experiment?
A 5th grader knocks on my door during my prep.
Kid: “Hi, can we borrow you for an experiment?”
Me: “What kind of experiment?”
Kid: “We want to see how far every teacher in the school can jump on one foot.”
Wow, 5th grade teachers. You’ve really just thrown in the towel I see.
June 5th
Wise Beyond His Years
“Eat bush”
— kid’s answer to the science test question “What does an animal need in order to survive?”
The correct answer was “food.”
We gave him full credit, plus a bonus point.
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