Just now, at dismissal…
Parent (to me and my co-teacher): “Just so you know, I did some thorough research on the two of you. I needed to know exactly who is taking care of my kid all day.” (pauses for dramatic effect) “I heard all VERY good things.”
Oh ok. So you’re very bad at research.
Me: “I keep having that dream where I’m late for school, or missing something I need for school, or not sure what I have to get done for school.”
Therapist: “It sounds like you’re having anxiety about school.”
$300 fee– earned.
One of our school mottos is “Be yourself– everyone else is already taken.”
So on the first day with the kids tomorrow, my also jewish, white, 30-something co-teacher and I are going to wear matching dresses, necklaces, and hairstyles.
Because leading by example is overrated and hard.
But wearing matching outfits is adorable and fun!
Eric thought he’d challenge me to a “Who is going to have a more stressful day at work tomorrow” contest, the night before school starts.
Me: “I’m sorry, but you could work triple the hours I work and my day tomorrow would still be infinitely more stressful than yours.”
Eric: “I have to hit my target for the quarter or I get fired!”
Me: “I have to not hit a kid all year or I get fired!”
I won.
No, former student. Stop waving at me from across the street. I still have exactly 15 hours to not care about you.
“Yeah that’s not going to work.”
–Starbucks barista, deadpan and unamused, when I opened my Facebook app instead of my Starbucks app and repeatedly tried to scan it.
Maybe starting work again isn’t such a bad thing.
#summerbrain
“Stop agonizing, you still have ONE FULL WEEK of vacation left!”, I said to myself this morning after a night full of back-to-school dreams. And I felt much better.
Then someone who is not a teacher said the same exact thing to me.
So I punched him in the fucking face.
Don’t tell me how to feel, asshole.
#FinalWeek #DeathRow
Barista: “The usual?”
Me: “No, I already had that this morning. Now I just want a frappacino. It’s a 2-coffee kind of day.”
Barista: “I hear ya. Monday!”
Me: “Yes! Ok, well, no. I’m on summer break. I’m told I’m not allowed to complain.”
Barista: “Oh please, teachers can complain all they want. Your job is HARD. And exhausting. You need the summer!”
Me: “Wow, thank you! I really appreciate you saying that. Most non-teachers don’t get that. Seriously. That made my day.”
Barista: “Absolutely! And stay tuned, Starbucks is doing a ‘Teacher Appreciation’ week when you guys start up again in September!”
And just when I was starting to like you, you mentioned September.
Jackhole.
A graduating 5th grader, who I taught in Kindergarten, 1st, and 3rd grades, stopped by my classroom, said hello to me, reached into a giant bag of thank you cards and fished around until he finally found the one he came to deliver.
And then he promptly handed it to my classroom paraprofessional (who did not even notice him because she was, as usual, deeply entrenched in her erotica novel.)
Because the card was for her. Not for me.
The kid made that very clear when he looked at me, looked at her, looked back at me and said “This is for Miss Mary.”
Then he left without saying goodbye.
Today the NYC Department of Ed added Pandora and Netflix to their list of banned websites. Already on this list is every single shopping website, including Amazon.com, where all of us teachers have our class supply wish lists.
Co-worker: “All shopping sites of any kind are banned. It’s like jail.”
Kid: “No, you can shop online in jail.”
Right. Of course you can.
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