A bunch of kids are gathered around the chalkboard at the kiddie gym, almost all of them with a snack:
Random Mom (to me): “How do you get your kid to eat so nicely and calmly? She’s like a tiny well-mannered adult!”
Me: “Oh, that’s nice of you to say! Um, I don’t know, I guess I just got lucky?”
Random Mom: “I just can’t believe she’s able to eat those blackberries without making ANY mess on her face.”
Me: “Oh. That’s actually not my kid…”
Random Mom: “Oh! Which one’s yours again? The kid with the cheerios in her hand?”
Random Mom: “Her? With the cheerios in the cup?”
Random Mom (sees no other choice): “With the cheerios stuck to her neck?”
(10 second silence)
Random Mom: “Are those even her cheerios?”
Random: “They’re in her hair too…”
Me: “I see that.”
Random: “How’d she even get them?”
Me: “Hard to say…”
Forgive my blatant racism, but here’s a list of the most respectable group of men (from most to least respectable), by race, based solely on who has been standing up to give me their seat on the subway in this last trimester of pregnancy.
- Black men. All the medals. Seriously. Every. Fucking. Time. Yesterday two black men actually started playfully arguing over which one of them wanted to give me his seat more. So I settled the dispute by letting them both stand, and placing one butt cheek in each seat. Everyone was a winner.
- Hispanic men. I’d say at least 3 or 4 hispanic men have stood for me in the past month, but yesterday’s was my favorite– covered in bright, intricate tattoo sleeves and roughly 30 piercings, he not only got up immediately to give me his seat, but he silently offered me his unopened bottled water as well. I just wish I hadn’t assumed his silence was a language barrier and replied with “No, pero gracias– muchas MUCHAS gracias senor!” because he answered with “Yeah no problem” and ZERO accent.
- Asian men. Only one Asian man so far, but he stood up and did a subtle little bow in the process, which just made me feel like pregnant princess royalty. It was so fucking adorable and stereotypically Asian (in the best of ways) that I’m going to go ahead and let him represent his entire race in politeness and decency.
- White men. What the fuck is wrong with you? This should be an easy competition for you to win based on the sole fact that there are statistically more of you. Yet not ONE of you has stood up. Not ONE! For real? Is this a Trump effect or have you guys always been THE WORST and I just never noticed? (meh, false. I dated and hated most of you, so in that sense I DID notice, but now we’re in a whole new playing field of douchbaggery). Funny how you catch a glimpse of me and suddenly receive the world’s most important, life-or-death text, which of course excuses you from getting up because obviously you’re now just too busy and panicked, what with all these urgent crises blowing up your phone THE EXACT MOMENT I STEP ONTO THE SUBWAY, despite there being no wi-fi or cell service. But just know this– I’m on to you. Even if you ARE immersed in an emergency (you’re not), there’s no way your peripheral vision is missing the huge boulder that is my midsection, especially when I make it a point to sigh heavily and line up my grotesque popped-out bellybutton thisclose to your stupid liar face. And I’d like to send out a special, personalized “fuck you” to the young white guy this morning who let the woman sitting next to him juggling 2 grocery bags and a stroller WITH A BABY INSIDE OF IT stand and offer her seat to me, and still did NOTHING. Obviously I did not take the woman’s seat and insisted she please not get up, but this was your opportunity to help out a pregnant woman and an overwhelemed mother in one fell swoop, and YOU BLEW IT, SIR.
So that’s it. Those are my findings*. Did I really need to break this down by race, and was doing so kind of offensive? No, I did not. And yes, probably? But I notice what I notice and thought it was an interesting trend, and unlike people who claim “I don’t see race,” I’d like to counter with “Ok, but I have eyes.”
*Findings of this study** are based solely on MY experience and observations alone. They should not be generalized to apply negative stereotyping to any particular group of people, which shouldn’t really be an issue as all races above are presented in a complimentary manner. Except, as a reminder, white men. They are all dicks.
**calling this a study is an insult to the word study.
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
“Thank you so much for teaching me today, Miss Emily.”
— tutoring client, Age 2. Yes, 2.
Me (to the mom): “Your toddler is incredibly well-behaved and polite. Teach me your parenting secret.”
Mom: “We just really reinforce good manners in this house. We emphasize respect and appreciation for others.”
Me: “And that works?! Just like that? Incredible.”
Mom: “Just like that. I find that if you model positive behavior, your children will follow.”
Me: “That was always my motto in the classroom but somehow it didn’t go as smoothly for me!”
Mom: “Trust me, the secret is consistency. And sometimes you just get lucky with a naturally sweet-natured, respectful kid.”
Then, the second I left and closed the door–
“MOMMMMM!!!! I SAID THANK YOU TO MISS EMILY NOW GIVE ME AN OREO!!!!! I SAID NOWWWWWWWW!!!”
(part of the Ebola Mom series)
What just happened.
A graduating 5th grader, who I taught in Kindergarten, 1st, and 3rd grades, stopped by my classroom, said hello to me, reached into a giant bag of thank you cards and fished around until he finally found the one he came to deliver.
And then he promptly handed it to my classroom paraprofessional (who did not even notice him because she was, as usual, deeply entrenched in her erotica novel.)
Because the card was for her. Not for me.
The kid made that very clear when he looked at me, looked at her, looked back at me and said “This is for Miss Mary.”
Then he left without saying goodbye.
(Continuation of Ebola Mom Part 28 and part of the Ebola Mom series)
Oh! So…I don’t care.
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
It really is the rudest. And beyond immature. Overall just shows a total lack of respect and class.
I hope he didn’t mind.
(End of testing season. Teacher happy hour at 3pm. I’m sorry!!!)