All posts by Emily
Every Baby’s 1st Birthday Party Requires an After Party
Juxtaposition
That moment when you enter a Gymboree for your friend’s kid’s 1st birthday party while simultaneously checking a dating app message from a guy that says “I can tell you have luscious tits.”
I’m at a weird place in my life.
You Won’t Even Know I’m There
That moment when you invite yourself on someone’s family vacation, because what they’re doing sounds pretty fun. And hey, you’re free all summer!
Conversations Everyone Wants to Have During a Goodnight Kiss
Guy: “Do you have gum in your mouth AGAIN?”
Me: “Oh. Yeah. I’m an after-dinner gum chewer. Force of habit.”
Guy: “Well would you mind spitting it out?”
Me: “Sure. Sorry. Is it distracting?”
Guy: “No. It’s disgusting.”
Oh.
This Persistent Guy
I was just trying to do you all a favor
Yes, I had a nice time. Thanks for asking.
Keepin It Classy
That moment when you walk by the piece of gum you spit out onto the sidewalk mid-goodnight-kiss last night.
Go ahead, Lady. Rate me on THAT.
That moment during the superintendent’s visit when your student projectile vomits in the hallway.
No, I didn’t pay him to do that.
But it was fucking perfect.
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