Some people think 9 year olds aren’t developmentally ready for intensive state testing, but I totally disagree– because if they’re clever enough to figure out THIS cover-all-your-bases strategy, they’re certainly prepared to sit for two 3-hour tests.
The most important thing I took away from this FIDF benefit dinner is that I have no money.
Secondly, I stand with Israel. Today, forever, always.
I am going to the FIDF (Friends of the Israel Defense Forces) gala tonight, and I’m feeling JUST LIKE Cinderella. Except instead of a new blue ball gown, a twice-worn short black dress that may or may not fit. And instead of gleeful mice helping me get ready, a family of beady-eyed rabid rats scratching at my balcony door. And instead of a horse-drawn carriage, a delayed 6 train car with two separate puddles of urine. And instead of a fairy god mother, my jewish mother texting me right after I post this to ask “so who’s going tonight?” And instead of Prince Charming, a balding jew in finance.
Basically we’re both blondes.
Well, this season we’re both blondes.
Kid walks up to me: “Miss Emily, I have to spit.”
As he says it, huge wad of spit falls out of his mouth and lands on the floor in front of me.
A master’s degree.
That feeling of pride you get when you take your students’ 4th grade state practice exam and only get one wrong.
That’s still an A, guys.
I was super excited to let my friend know that I received her wedding shower invitation, so I texted her a picture of it.
Oh.
That thrilling moment when your brother switches his PhD program to something you actually understand!
Well, not understand, but know how to say.
Because it’s three initials.
Just don’t ask me what they stand for.
I’m so excited that Bill Cosby is back on the touring circuit because rape jokes were ALWAYS funny, but think of how much funnier they’ll be when told by an actual rapist!!!!
Go home, Bill. Or to jail. Or to hell. I don’t care just go.
Discussing my upcoming 33rd birthday…
Sassy: “You buy yourself something nice?”
Me: “I was thinking I’d freeze my eggs.”
Sassy: (head in hands)
Me: “I take it you don’t approve?”
Sassy: “A new dress is gift. Nice dinner. Long massage. Date with good man. Freeze the eggs? Not a gift.”
Me: “I think it is. It’s a smart, proactive, responsible decision that will relieve some anxiety.”
Sassy (pointing to adjacent customers): “Now you make EVERYONE in here sad.”
