Because, as my male friend just informed me, my post Well, Yeah, Kid- Every Girl Loves a Blowjob was extremely misleading and disappointing.
So I’m sorry to all the men who read the title of that post and felt hopeful, for a brief second, that the world was exactly the opposite of everything they’ve known and experienced their entire lives.
It’s not.
There’s a reason your wife stopped doing that once you married her.
Last night at dinner with one of my dearest friends (who is a married, mom-of-two-kids) I asked for her opinion on the below text, as I feel like I’ve completely lost perspective and can no longer tell when a guy is being genuine or a douche.
Her takeaway: “Who is Drake? And what’s yolo?”
That moment on a first date when you think you’re totally connecting with him…
Him: “I can’t get any work or writing done in my apartment.”
Me: “Same here! Totally. I can’t concentrate at all in my apartment.”
Him: “Exactly. It’s impossible.”
Me (certain we are on the exact same wavelength): “Right? Because I’ll just look up and see something and be like ‘Oh, I need to clean that.’ Or ‘Yikes, I should mail that bill’ Or ‘Why do I have nothing in my fridge?'”
Him: “Oh. I don’t do THAT. I just get distracted by more fun or interesting things to do.”
Me: “Oh.”
Him: “That’s some serious masochistic behavior.”
Me: “Is it?”
Him: “Yeah. You’re really beating yourself up.”
Me: “Alright, it’s not that bad.”
Him: “It sounds like you have an anxiety disorder.”
He hasn’t called.
This guy was pretty specific….
So I passed because…
I also had to google manifold. And birchbox.
Then, inspired by those google searches, I googled WHY IS EVERYONE SO FUCKING WEIRD? Google thought it knew what I wanted:
Then I just got sad.
I don’t know, guys– I don’t want to jinx it, but I feel like this is going really well!!! 
(Continuation of I Wonder If This Is What EVERYONE Thinks)
I politely responded to the fan mail from this guy, thanking him for his faith in my attractiveness based on a headless photo. His reply:
I play up a lot of things for the blog. I did not think “desperate ugly girl” was one of them.
Watching a Sex And The City marathon and seeing Big treat Carrie like complete dog shit episode after episode, but knowing they end up living happily ever after, is giving me a really healthy and hopeful outlook on my love life.
I am now certain that that ex who could never quite verbalize his feelings for me will totally come around. Even though he told me, early and often, he was not in a “relationship place.” And he now lives across the country. And is married. With kids.
I can totally stop dating now, guys! It’s all happening!
There’s nothing like a bridal shower in the dead of winter to remind you that you’re all alone in this world.
Plus, free wine!
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